When I lost Elliot
by SD130413
Summary: Olivia's in therapy. She can't deal with the fact that Elliot's gone. Third person flashbacks, Olivia's POV for rest. Really bad summary sorry.
1. Session 1

**OK This story is going to be updated far slower than any of my others, this is a completely new for of writing for me and I just wanted to give it a go. **

**Olivia lost Elliot, she's now in therapy trying to deal with it, I mean, Can you imagine how hard it would be for her?**

**Please R&R this is something very new for me and I am going to need your feedback to feel confident with this**

_**Bold is the shrink talking (Haven't decided who it is yet it's not Huang though!) Italics is flashbacks which is in the third person. Normal is Liv's POV talking to the shrink!**  
_

_They looked at each other and both gave a firm nod, they'd worked with each other for eleven years, they knew exactly what the look had meant without saying a single word which was good considering they were in a building with an armed suspect and they didn't know where he was. _

_Olivia went left and Elliot went right. They walked silently with their guns at the ready. After walking around in a near semi circle Olivia heard a struggle up ahead and she broke out into a run. _

"_Elliot!" She screamed just as a gunshot rang out. _

_She quickly returned fire not caring where she hit the perp just that she hit him before he hit her. As soon as she saw that he was down she rushed over to Elliot's side. _

"_El!" She yelled grabbing her radio and applying pressure onto the wound in his chest. "This is SVU portable to central I need a bus to my location ten thirteen officer down!" She sobbed into it before dropping it to the floor so she could use her other hand to apply pressure to the wound ignoring the answer that came through the radio. _

"_Come on El don't leave me!" She pleaded through her tears. _

"_Liv…" He croaked. _

"_I'm right here El, come on stay with me please baby stay with me." She cried. "Don't let me lose you now."_

"_Kids… tell them… I love them." Elliot whispered as blood started seeping out of his mouth. _

"_You're going to tell them yourself El I promise you're going to tell them yourself." Olivia replied hurriedly. _

"_I love you Liv… love you so much…"_

"_Elliot I love you too baby please stay with me, don't leave me!" She cried. _

"_Love you Liv always love you…Kiss me" He said before coughing violently. _

"_I know El and I love you too always have always will now don't do this to me!" She begged as he slipped away from her. _

_She bowed her head and pressed her lips firmly to his and they felt cold, the blood covering her lips cold too. _

I'm never going to forget it am I? Never going to forget any of it. I want to. I want to close my eyes and be able to sleep without hearing his voice, his cough…I need to forget.

When…when I heard the gun go off I already knew he was hit. I didn't hesitate in running and firing back either and as soon as his body hit the floor I rushed to Elliot's side.

I knew it was over. He'd been hit right in the chest and I knew… I didn't want to and I kept reassuring him and as much as I was reassuring him I was trying to reassure myself too.

I kept telling him that he was going to be ok, that he would speak to his kids again and that he needed to stay with me… stay conscious but there he was, slipping away in my arms sending his last messages knowing that I would deliver them.

I could see the sparkle in his cerulean eyes slowly disappear. The eyes I've looked into nearly every day for eleven years and even when we faced the worst of crimes… that spark was always there you know?

In our first year as partners he told me we were partners for better or worse. This is the worst and he's not here.

**"Do you feel let down by that?"**

Am I allowed to feel let down by that? Should I feel let down by that? I don't. I feel guilty, it's the only thing I seem to be able to feel at the moment is guilt and it's eating away at me.

You're going to say that's normal. That it's ok to blame myself but this isn't the same this is actually my fault.

I know there's no point wondering the what if's and I'm trying not too but it's not a what if that is the question of my guilt it's an I should. I should have waited for back up before going into that warehouse, he came in after me.

_She held him close to her as he choked again sending blood splattering all over her but she didn't care. He wanted to feel his heartbeat against her own and the worst thing was she could feel it slowing. She could hear his breath raspy in her ear._

"_Please don't die." She croaked knowing it was hopeless. _

_She lowered him into the crook of her arm and cradled him, rocked him as he looked up at her unmoving, unblinking. He was gone. _

_The sounds of people rushing into the warehouse fell on deaf ears as Olivia closed her eyes and held her partner in her arms, she couldn't, wouldn't let him go. Not yet. _

A lot of what happened next is a blur. I remember holding him. I remember rocking him and I remember looking into the glass that was now his eyes. I don't however remembering the arrival of the cavalry. I don't remember what happened with Don, Munch and Fin all I know is what they've filled me in on since… well since.

"When the mind's under extreme stress sometimes it can shut down, it's completely natural."

I guess it's for the better that I don't remember. I mean, you can't be embarrassed about doing something you don't remember doing.

_She held tight to his body ignoring everyone that had gathered around them. The silent tears fell heavily down her cheeks but she wasn't ready to put him down yet. _

"_Olivia." Don's voice carried into her ear but it sounded too distant so she ignored it. _

_He pressed his hand to her shoulder trying to hold back his own tears as he saw one of his Detectives cradling the body of another. This was a scene he'd never allowed himself to imagine, a scene he never believed he would witness. _

"_Come on Olivia Melinda needs to work." He said softly, he knew he would have to tread carefully, she was going to be in her most fragile state right now and one wrong move could send her over the edge. _

_Munch and Fin managed to hold back their tears so that they could come and help their Captain. They knelt down either side of Olivia and pressed a hand to her bicep. _

"_Come on Liv… you gotta put him down." Fin whispered softly. _

"_I can't." A sob passed her lips as she pulled the body closer to her. "I can't."_

"_Come on Liv." Munch pleaded, seeing his friends like this was killing him. _

"_I'm so sorry El, I'm so sorry." She whispered before kissing his lips once again. _

_Melinda came over to Olivia deciding enough was enough, this was hard for all of them and she wanted to get this over with as soon as she could. _

"_Liv." She said kneeling down in front of the Detectives. "I'll take good care of him." She whispered and Olivia nodded and closed her eyes before leaning over the body once more. _

"_I will always love you baby… always." She whispered directly into his ear before kissing him one last time. _

_Melinda helped move the body back to the floor and Munch and Fin both hoisted Olivia to her feet. _

"_No don't make me leave him!" She yelled. "Please!"_

"_Liv come on…"_

"_No get off me!" She screamed struggling against them. _

_They lost the fight and she flew back over to Melinda and Elliot and she took his hand. _

_Don looked at Olivia while Munch and Fin shared a pained expression, there was no way either of them were going to be able to move her just yet. She wasn't ready. _

I stayed by his side while Melinda did a quick preliminary. I still stayed by his side when he was put in a bag and then placed on a gurney. I grabbed the bag while they wheeled him out because I wasn't able to let go.

When they put him in the back of the black ambulance Melinda wrapped me up in an embrace that I couldn't return.

"I'll take good care of him." She said again and I nodded in reply, I knew she would.

Once the bus was out of sight I fell to my knees but I couldn't cry anymore, I hadn't cried since Melinda had started to work on the body, not that I didn't want to. I wanted to cry, scream, wail, kick, punch anything but the numbness that was clouding me.

"Someone needs to tell the kids." I told Don and he nodded as he knelt beside me on the could hard concrete.

"The chief is already on his way." Don said and I just nodded in reply.

"And Kathy." I said and he nodded.

"Come on Liv let's get you out of here." Munch said reaching for one arm while Fin reached for the other.

It surprised me. They were hurting just as much as I was yet their main concern was me at that point, they really took care of me when I was clearly in no fit shape to take care of myself.

Once in the Sedan Don climbed in beside me and he held me tight as we drove with the lights but no siren towards the precinct. Elliot deserved that mark of respect and every one he had after.


	2. Session 2

_**Session 2**_

We went straight to the precinct. The squad room was silent as we walked in, eerie. I was going to just collapse in my desk chair but Fin and Munch led me into Cragen's office.

They sat me down on the couch and they sat either side of me with one hand each in theirs held tight.

Don sunk into his desk chair and that's when we all finally realised exactly what had happened. Munch took off his glasses, he didn't want to hide his tears which surprised me a lot at the time but I guess he didn't want any of us to think it wasn't affecting him as much as it was affecting the rest of us.

We were all crying silently. None of us knew what to say or what to do other than cry.

A part of me wanted to run. I didn't want to sit there facing the harsh reality that my partner had just died, I was supposed to have his back but at that point I didn't, when he needed me most I wasn't there.

We sat there silently crying for a good half an hour before the chief and the commander showed up. When they walked into the room we all stood up as expected.

"Captain Cragen, Detectives, we are very sorry for your loss." He said stoically and I just wanted to scream at him but instead I just sunk into Fin's side and he held me upright while the bastard continued with his speech. "We know that this is a tough time for all of you, all of your cases have been transferred over to other units for the time being and the family notification has been made. Uh Detective Benson, they're asking when you're ready would you please join them at home…" That's when I completely lost it.

We hadn't told anyone we were living together, the only people who knew were Kathy and the kids and that was only because it was need to know, I hadn't given up my apartment and so I didn't need to request a change of address… but hearing him say home… the home I shared with Elliot, the apartment we chose together… It ripped my heart out because I knew then I couldn't go back there.

"Baby Girl?" Fin asked as he and Munch lowered me back to the couch.

"I can't…" Was all I could muster before breaking out in cold hard sobs again.

I think it hurt the others more. If I'd have been able to hold it together a little maybe they wouldn't have been so bad but I couldn't, I was dying piece by piece and it was painful, it was excruciating pain.

"You don't have to." Munch said as he embraced me with one arm. He and Fin cocooned me, like they were trying to protect me as much as they could.

"As we said we understand this is a difficult time for your squad Captain." The Chief said before hurrying out, they couldn't stand the scene.

No other unit compares to SVU, they don't have the same bond the same reliance because without that bond and that reliance we couldn't do what we do on a daily basis and unless you work SVU then you couldn't even begin to understand it.

After the chief and commissioner left we sat there for another hour or so. Some rookie uniform cop, bless his soul, brought in coffee for everyone. He just walked in, put them on the desk and walked out without a word, without even looking at any of us. That was the kindest and most thoughtful thing anyone could have done at that point.

Once we were all sat with our coffee's I knew I had to say something, I had a feeling that no one else would say anything until I did and the silence was deadly.

"I'm sorry." It came out in a whisper and that alone had been painful to say.

The three men in the room glared at me, telling me with their eyes that I had nothing to be sorry about but I did, like I've said before, I was his partner it was my job, my duty to protect him and make sure he went home to his kids at the end of every shift and I failed.

We fell straight back into silence after that. I don't know why but I couldn't find anything to say. A good ten minutes had passed before Cragen's phone rang pulling us all out of our thoughts.

"Cragen." He didn't sound anything like his usual confident self and for some reason it made me feel worse.

He covered the mouth piece with his hand and looked at me and I knew before he told me who it was and I shook my head.

"Olivia, they're asking for you."

"Who is it?" I asked my voice barely making any noise.

"Kathleen." He replied and I managed to get up and walk to the phone my legs trembling with every step. "Hi Kathleen."

_Olivia! Please come home!_

"I can't Kath, not… not yet." I knew it was selfish, they needed me but at that moment I wasn't able to be the person they needed.

_Ok we understand Olivia… were you there?_

"Till the very end." I managed to say with tears gushing down my face again.

Fin rushed to my side and Munch brought a chair over for me to sit, I don't understand why my body was reacting in such a way but there was no hope for me to keep my weight up.

"Kathleen, he said to tell you all that he loves you." I said, I didn't know if it was the right time to tell them because I knew I was on speaker but the sooner I got it out of me the better.

_We knew he would. Please come home soon Olivia._

"As soon as I can." I said and for the first time ever I meant 'can' as in emotionally face it because home was the last place I wanted to go.

_We love you Olivia. _

"I love you guys too." I said before passing the phone over to Don, I couldn't speak to them anymore, Kathleen sounded so hurt and it was like being stabbed repeatedly.

Don closed up the conversation and then hung up the phone. He then turned to me slowly like he wasn't sure if what he was about to say was appropriate.

"Why don't you go and get cleaned up Liv?" He suggested softly.

I looked down and for the first time realised I was caked in blood, his blood. It probably sounds really gross and strange but I didn't want to go and get washed, I had his blood on me… on my hands, how appropriate.

I agreed though, it wasn't fair to anyone else in the room that I was sat there covered in his blood.

When I was in the shower I did a heck of a lot more crying. I used things from his locker instead of my own, his shower gel, his shampoo and then I changed into his sweats and NYPD t-shirt and it brought me very little comfort.

I went back to the office and a fresh mug of coffee was handed to me. I accepted it gratefully.

"Warner's finished with the…" I stopped him, I couldn't face hearing Elliot being referred to like just another victim.

"I want to go down there." I said and Don nodded.

"We'll all go but you're listed as his next of kin so it's up to you to make the ID." Don told her and I nodded, even though I'd been there at the moment he took his last breath I still had to officially ID the body.

We went down to the morgue together and I clung tight to Don and Fin's hands as we walked into the cold dank building. The thousands of times I'd been there before was nothing compared to being there then.

Rather than going to the window where we take families to ID vics we went straight inside. My hands were sweating even though my body was trembling and I felt so cold.

Melinda looked at me and I could see that she'd done her fair share of crying. I nodded to her to draw back to sheet and as he came into my sight I felt the bile rising in my throat. Luckily, I'd been in the morgue often enough to know there was a sink right behind me.

"You're ok baby girl." Fin whispered as he pulled back my hair and stroked my back.

"It can't be him." I said even though, like I said before I watched him take his last breath.

Seeing him on the mortuary slab was hard. He didn't look like Elliot anymore, it was just his shell, his cold, blue shell and it was horrible, the only times I had ever seen him like that was in my scariest of nightmares often enough when he'd gotten close to being dead.

"Cover him up." Don said but I shook my head and stepped back towards the body.

"Can I have a minute?" I asked and everyone left the room, I knew Don would have gone straight to the intercom to listen but I didn't care.

I stared for a moment and then I dropped my hand to his cheek.

"I'm so sorry." I said, even though I knew it was hopeless I mean it wasn't like he could hear me. "I'm so sorry Elliot. God this is all my fault if… If we'd just waited for back up, or put on our vests you'd be alive now… oh my God I'm so sorry." I leant over and kissed his head and he felt like stone against my lips. "I will always love you Elliot Stabler, I will no matter what there will never be anyone like you in my life." It was a bit late to be telling him this but it didn't matter in my heart I'm sure he knew this before we hopped into bed together that first time. "I'll do what I can for your kids El but Jesus it's not going to be easy, they look so much like you… especially Richard. But I love you El and that is something that will never change." I kissed him once last time before hurrying out.

If felt like someone was wrapping something around my lungs and squeezing tight because I couldn't breathe. I was desperately scratching for oxygen but it was no good. Melinda came over and helped me through that panic attack before we all headed off back to the precinct.

When we arrived back I rushed to my desk, grabbed one of the photos of myself and Elliot from it and rushed off to the cribs. I climbed into the cot that… that he and I first made love but when George Huang came upstairs and saw me having a second panic attack he gave me a sedative so I could at least have some form of sleep, even if it was drug induced.

When I woke up the next morning I first thought it had all been a dream. Actually, I might have wished it was a dream but as the silence surrounded me and not the usual echo of the hustle and bustle of the squad room I knew that it had really happened.

At first I didn't want to leave the confines of the cribs but I knew the longer I put it off the harder it would be. I left and made my way downstairs not caring about my appearance which I knew was bad, I knew that my hair was a mess and Elliot's clothes on me were five sizes to big and extremely rumpled and I also knew that my eyes were bloodshot and my cheeks were tearstained but I really didn't care.

The first thing I was faced with was Elliot's locker. A table stood in front of it with candles and some other mementos but none of it had been set up because I knew as his partner that was my job. I was grateful that whoever had gathered the objects had been respectful enough to appreciate that I would want to do this for him.

Munch and Fin had both been sitting at their respective desks when I came down and they instantly joined me at the table.

"I'll get Don." Munch said as I began to move things to be where they should be.

There were five candles, one for each of us leads and our superior. I lit my own and then passed the matches around before they came back to me to light Elliot's candle, the white one in the middle.

"I miss you already El." I whispered stroking a finger down the picture in his dress blues.

I felt a comforting hand on each shoulder and one on my back and I allowed the presiding tears to fall silently as I closed my eyes praying that wherever he was that he was at peace.

The three men around me all gathered round me in a tight embrace. I knew we were all crying and I tried to give them as much comfort as they were giving me because the truth was if they weren't there for me… I'd have really done something stupid.

**"Did you contemplate it?"**

Every time I had a quiet moment, I thought just how easy it would be to end it all and be with him again but then I remembered that in Catholicism suicide is a sin and if I did that, he wouldn't want me then.

Once we'd gathered ourselves enough to move we made our way to Don's office and the same uni from the previous night brought in coffees. I stopped him by grabbing his arm softly and he looked at me almost fearful.

"Thank you." I said and he just nodded at me before walking out, I don't think he realised how much a simple gesture really meant to the four of us.

"It's going to be really different now isn't it?" I asked after a while and I knew that it was the opening that the other's needed to say something.

"It is baby girl, but we've still got each other." Fin said pulling me into him so I was lying against him and he played with my hair softly and I enjoyed the comfort.

"Just because he's gone Olivia, he'll never be forgotten, he's always going to fill that squad room." Don said and I nodded in agreement, I didn't realise then how right he was because even now I still walk into the squad room and feel like he's still close.

After that we went silent again, it was awkward in so many ways but in another way it was nice because we were all left to our own thoughts and memories.

An hour or so later there was a knock at the door.

"Detective Stabler's children are here Sir." The uni said and my stomach lurched, I wanted to see them of course I did but I was also scared that they'd blame me, me blaming me was one thing but having them blaming me and hating me… I couldn't have lived with it.

I slowly made my way out of the office followed by the men but I barely made it a foot into the bullpen before four arms were around me.

I cried harder at that point than I had at all since … well since it happened. The kids were sobbing and I was near hysterical, I couldn't cope with it.

Desperately I looked over at Don because I needed to get away, I couldn't handle being there with his kids all so hurt because it made me feel worse, I should have been the one to take that bullet not him I didn't have a family like he did.

"Kids come through here." Don said to them and the all slowly let go of me and as soon as the last arm was off me I bolted upstairs to the cribs, I just had to get away.

I couldn't face them, seeing them all so hurt it was like more and more of my heart breaking and I couldn't stand it. I threw myself back onto the crib I'd slept in that night and curled up and sobbed hard.

I didn't expect George Huang to be the person coming into the cribs but he was. He sat down and took my hand before dropping two white pills into them. I looked at him and he shrugged.

"Many people when they lose someone close to them need something to help them through the first few hours, they're a mild anti-anxiety." He said and I nodded before popping both pills into my mouth and swallowing them dry.

I don't know why I did it. I mean he'd offered me drugs in the past for a variety of reasons but I'd always rejected them and fought him on his reasons for offering them but this time I didn't even think twice before swallowing the pills.

What I didn't know was that these specific anti-anxieties had a sedative effect. I didn't even care if I'm honest because every hour I slept was one hour less I was hurting, dying from the grief.

I was very surprised when I woke up with a pair of arms around me. Again at first I thought everything had been a dream and I thought I was back in my bed with Elliot's arms wrapped around me, that was until I heard a voice.

"Olivia?"

I rolled over as much as I could on the small cot to make sure I was definitely not hearing things.

"Maureen." I whispered before pulling the eldest Stabler into my arms.

She cried softly against my chest and I cried a little too.

"Daddy really loved you." She said after a while and my heart broke even more.

"I love him too Maureen, more than I've ever loved anyone." I told her, she knew how special my relationship with her father was, it was her that had encouraged him to make a move on me when he and Kathy finally divorced.

"We all understand you're hurting too Liv, we're not expecting you to be there for us this time." Maureen continued and again it hurt to hear her say such a thing but I was grateful.

"We just want you to remember that none of us are blaming you for what happened to him and we're really glad you were there for him when… when he died."

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't talk. I really thought I was having a heart attack or something but when Maureen realised something was up and ran to get help I found out it was just another panic attack and George gave me another shot of a sedative and informed the kids that they were better off coming back because I'd be out for a few hours.

I think I was sleeping more during those first few days because between the anti-anxiety and the sedative George kept me doped up on I was out like a light every time but now when I look back on it I know it's the best thing he could have done because I wasn't coping in the few hours I was awake as it was.


	3. Session 3

_**Session 3**_

* * *

When I next woke up I wasn't in the cribs where I had fallen asleep. At first that really freaked me out until I heard a familiar comforting voice call my name.

Then I felt a hand run through my hair and I relaxed into the touch, I felt so blessed that people could see how much I was hurting and were taking care of me and for the first time I let them without arguing.

"You're on the camp bed in my office." Don explained and I nodded slowly, I didn't ask why.

"It's all real isn't it?" I asked, I just wanted someone to tell me it had all be a bad dream but of course that wasn't going to happen.

"I'm afraid so Liv." He said and his hand was still running through my hair.

Elliot used to do that. When we were cuddled up in bed or watching TV. I loved it, him doing it always seem to bring me comfort and having Don doing it then brought me a similar comfort.

"Why did he have to go?" I asked pushing myself up to sitting.

"It was just his turn Liv." Don said coming to sit on the bed beside me and he pulled me into his arm.

"I can't do this without him Don." I informed him and he gave me a small squeeze and I think it was apologetic because he knew I wouldn't be able to go on without Elliot.

"I know." He said after a while. "The kids called about the funeral."

"What did they say?" I asked knowing that my name would have been mentioned.

"They want you with the family…"

"No Don." I interrupted him and my voice was strong for the first time since Elliot's death. "I need to be with Munch and Fin."

"Olivia… they told me everything." Don said in explanation and that's when I cried again.

He held me close and rocked me backwards and forwards softly whispering to me, telling me that it was ok.

"I'm so sorry we didn't get the chance to tell you." I said once I'd calmed down enough to speak.

"It's ok." He said. "The box is on my desk, Dickie thought you might like to have it close now."

The box in question held my engagement ring which I took off every morning when I was working and put on again at the end of every day, kinda pointless when you think about it now.

I got enough strength in me to get the box from the desk and I took the ring out of it and slid it onto my finger. I remember rolling it around with my thumb before I sobbed again and Don held me tight, I knew he was hurting too and it was probably hurting him more seeing how much I was hurting, especially now he was learning just how different my relationship with Elliot was.

"Come on." He said after my crying subsided. "You need to get some food in you."

I wasn't hungry but I wasn't in the mood to argue with him either. He passed me my coat which had been hanging on the stand in his office and after putting his own on we left.

He took me to a bistro just around the corner from the precinct but I really didn't want to eat, I just stared out of the window and I didn't even realise the Cap had order for me till the food was in front of me.

It's kind of funny. Don ordered a chicken salad for me, that's what I always had when Elliot and I would go to the same bistro, Don came with us once after a tough case, shocking that he remembered.

Anyway, I drank the water and nibbled at the food until Don was done and then we went back to the one six, I was doped up some more and I slept for a few hours.

I was alone when I woke up, screaming from a nightmare that brought Munch, Fin, Don and George up to the cribs.

All four men held me you know, while I sobbed from a fucking dream. Thinking about it now it seems ridiculous but had they not been there I don't think I'd have gotten through those days.

After I calmed down Don took me back to his place. Maureen and Kathleen brought some of my clothing over but I was asleep and they respected Don's wishes that I wasn't disturbed. I knew they understood, they weren't sleeping much either.

I stayed in Don's till the funeral, I went to the precinct during the day and back to Don's at night. I didn't even ask him if I could stay just at the end of each day he'd say 'Come on' and pass me my coat.

George Huang put me on anti-anxieties without a sedative to take during the day and sleeping pills for the night. I was going through every day until the funeral like a zombie.

I had my sit down with Huang on day three, we talked a lot about what happened when Elliot … well about when it happened. I didn't shed anymore tears on that day, I told him that I felt lost without my partner and my best friend and I admitted to him that I didn't feel like life was worth living without him by my side but I also told him I would never go so far as to end my own life, I couldn't do that to Elliot, he would have been pissed at me for even considering it and as a result of being honest with the shrink I got my gun and shield back which meant I went back to work.

I was partnered with Fin while Munch stayed back running the paperwork and stuff, most of our cases were still passed to other units and boroughs but we managed to pick up some.

**"What was your first case without your Partner?"**

That was the most awful thing for me. It was a child abuse case and the whole time I was working it rather than asking Fin what he thought I'd say what I thought out loud then try and work out what Elliot would say in my head, and shockingly it's been like that ever since, I knew how his mind worked, I know when he'd agree with my opinion or thought and I know when he'd disagree and often enough it has helped me get a lead in a case.

It drove Fin up the wall because I'd say one thing, he'd say something that I completely ignored and then I'd say 'but…' and give 'Elliot's' idea, of course I never said that I thought that's what Elliot would say but it was clear to the squad that's what I was doing.

There was a point in the investigation when Fin and I were interrogating a suspect. It was odd, even thought I'd worked with Fin in the past I don't have the same chemistry and understanding with Fin as I did with Elliot.

We were doing ok though, bouncing off each other, understanding when one of us changed tactic but there was a point when… when I got so angry with this guy… I threw him up against the wall and I had my hand around his neck not hard enough that I was strangling him but hard enough that he was struggling to breathe. I was hissing and spitting at him telling him to confess, going through the typical motions of what we guessed had happened because of the little evidence we had and it took Don and Fin to drag me out of the room and the first thing I did after the door shut and they let go of me was kick the filling cabinet and stormed off to the roof… I caught Fin telling Don it was like I was keeping a part of Elliot alive to me by behaving like him.

I also know Don spoke to George about it. I know this because George came to the roof to find me, he brought my coat up to me because it was freezing and I'd been up there a good half an hour already.

"It's ok to miss him." He said to me and I nodded in reply because I knew that, I knew then that I would think about him every day for the rest of my life.

"It's also ok to be conflicted and to try and think in the way he did and to get mad." He added and again I nodded even though this time I wasn't sure if I actually understood what he was telling me.

"I need him George." Was all I could say because of the lump I had digging in my throat.

"The need will slowly go away…"

"No it won't." I interrupted him and he turned to look at me as he stood beside me. "I won't ever be able to not need him, everything, all the bad things I've ever been through in the past eleven years has been with him by my side, the past three years I have been going to his arms when there was a tough case, we comforted each other in ways partners shouldn't and… and I am never going to have that again and I don't think I can do this job without him."

I don't think I'll ever forget what he replied to me.

"Now isn't the time to make drastic decisions Olivia, wait a while, let the bulk of the grieving process be done before you make any big decisions that you might later regret."

I still wonder if that bulk of grieving is done because it still feels as raw now as it did then just maybe not as painful.


	4. Session 4 part 1

_**Session 4**_

The day of the funeral I remember like it was yesterday, actually I remember this whole damn nightmare like it was yesterday and I'm still waiting to wake up from it but anyway, I remember it clearly might be a better way of putting it.

I dressed in my blues and met Don down in the living room of his place. He gave me a reassuring smile knowing that today I'd try to be strong but he also knew that there was no way I was going to be able to keep it together with his kids.

We met with Munch and Fin at the one six ready to walk behind the hearse which would be given a procession to the church by marked cars with the lights.

It was tough standing there for the procession to start. My legs shook and if it wasn't for the fact I had Fin and Munch holding me up I don't think I would have stayed standing.

I then heard a cry calling out my name and turned around to see all four of the Stabler children sobbing. I pulled myself together as much as I could at that point and embraced them.

"Please stay with us?" Lizzie pleaded and as I looked from one child to the other I knew they were all asking the same thing.

I swallowed hard and nodded to them, letting them know I would walk with them because their mother had said that she would meet them at the church. I looked over at Munch, Fin and Cragen and they nodded and came over, we weren't going to do things the way we were expected to.

I was in the middle holding Lizzie's hand in my right and Dickie in my left then Kathleen held Lizzie and Fin's hand while Dickie held Don's and Don held Maureen who held Munch. That's how we stayed the whole way to the Church.

The strangest thing is I know that Elliot would have been happy that we did that, his work family and his kids all together. Looking back I'm really pleased that we stuffed protocol and did what we wanted to do.

It took thirty minutes to walk from the precinct to the Church. Along the way people came out to watch the precession, pay their respects. It was kinda comforting in a way.

At the church I went with Munch and Fin to do what we were expected to do. Munch and Fin and I walked one step behind Cragen while six of the unis from the one six carried in the coffin, the kids walked in behind us but Dickie kept a hold of my hand it was awkward to walk but we made it work.

Most of the service passed in a blur. It was quite hard sitting there listening to the priest talk while Dickie held around me sobbing his heart out but somehow I managed to keep it together.

Then it was Don's turn. He gave me a kiss on the cheek before making his way up to talk and I watched his every move. If I'd have known how much what he said was going to affect me I would have blocked it out but I listened to every word, it nearly killed me.

"_Detective Elliot Stabler came to work under my command fifteen years ago. He was a green rookie out of homicide with one hell of a temper. After he lost his first partner he became a nightmare, wouldn't let anyone close would beat on perps and argue with his co-workers and I was at the end of my tether when I hired Detective Benson. I warned him, if he screwed this up it wasn't his partner who would be leaving but him and he shrugged. Of course when he found out he was having a female rookie he almost blew a gasket but that was until he met her. I would never have told you back then that the partnership would last eleven years but after the first case I had some hope inside me that he was changing. _

_They're known across the NYPD as the dynamic duo and that is exactly what they were. They worked magnificently together and I am honoured that I was able to stand by them and watch the magic happen. Cases that had been cold for decades this partnership managed to close. _

_He was aggressive, hated anyone who hurt anyone even though he thought it was ok to beat a perp every now and again, his partner stopped him from ever going too far. _

_Seeing him work was special, he knew how to connect with the slime balls and victims. When he did his job, he truly did it well. _

_His children were his world, he couldn't face a case without thinking about them. He would see his children in every victim and as much as it was his downfall it also pushed him to get the job done and get the victim justice. _

_His partner, was like his family too, she was his best friend, the person who kept him on the straight and narrow, reminded him that there was some good in the world. _

_I consider every Detective who works under my command as one of my children but Elliot Stabler was truly like a son to me…I don't just stand here as a CO with a fallen Detective but as a grieving father. I am heartbroken that such a magnificent life was cut so short. Rest in peace Detective." _

I was silently sobbing. I couldn't help it. Hearing Don talk about Elliot like that felt like being stabbed repeatedly because it started to hit me how real it was that he was gone. When Don sat down he was crying too and he came over and embraced me and then each of the kids before sitting down.

The kids got up next. Fin took my hand as all four Stabler children made their way to the front with a picture of their father in hand, normal family photos not the bloody professional NYPD ones that had been plastered over the papers.

There was one picture that caught my eye. It was the one Lizzie was holding of herself, Elliot and me at the park. It had been two summers previous, Dickie was over at a friend's house, Maureen had college stuff and Kathleen was grounded and Elliot had asked Lizzie if she wanted to go to the park, Lizzie called me and she asked me to rescue her, twelve year old girls don't want to go to the park with their father and so I agreed to meet them there.

I had been snapping pictures and so had Elliot while we played ball and ran around. We were playing near a bench and I stopped to take a picture of Elliot putting Lizzie over his shoulder when an elderly couple asked if we wanted a picture of the three of us, Elliot said yes before I could answer.

I knew I wasn't the only person studying that picture and my heart beat quickened but it didn't matter anymore, we didn't have to protect our relationship because he was gone and there was no relationship to protect. I sat there playing with my ring and realised it really didn't make a difference anymore.

_Maureen spoke first. _

"_Our Daddy was a great man. He loved us and he did his best by us even though he worked all hours trying to provide for us. We always knew that one day this could happen, I'm sure we actually accepted growing up that we'd probably lose him to the job but as strange as it sounds we're also sure that's how he would prefer to go, doing a job he loved despite the victims. We're going to miss our Dad every day for the rest of our lives but we're thankful that we have each other and we're also thankful that on that day we didn't lose Daddy's partner too which we always were scared of, losing one of them is hard enough losing both of them would have killed us. We love you Olivia and we love you Daddy and we promise we'll take care of her just like you asked us to all that time ago."_

That was horrible. Hearing her say that she'd promised her father that if anything was to happen to him that they'd take care of me. It was me that was supposed to promise him I'd take care of the kids. I was near hysterical on Fin's shoulder but I wasn't going to let that stop me from listening to the others talk.

_Kathleen went next. _

"_Daddy. You taught me everything I know, you were always there for me and when you weren't you gave us the next best thing, you gave us Olivia. We're going to miss you every day for the rest of our lives, we're going to hurt for a long time because we lost you but we'll never forget you and we won't let this nightmare stop us from doing everything you wanted us to do." _

I couldn't have stopped crying even if I tried so I just allowed the tears to fall. Lizzie and Dickie stepped up to the podium together.

"_We're not going to stand here and tell you how great our Daddy was because Uncle Don has already done that and so has Maureen and Kathleen. We just want to say something to Daddy." Lizzie said and Dickie unfolded a piece of paper in his hand. _

"_Daddy, throughout our lives you did everything you could for us. We love you very much for everything you did and gave to us. We promise that we will do our best to make you proud. Everything you did, you did for us Dad, even sacrificed your own happiness for our sake because you waited two and a half years before asking Olivia to marry you because you were scared that we didn't want that, if you'd asked sooner maybe you would have made it down the aisle before this happened…"_

I stopped listening after the collective gasp that filled the room at the announcement that Elliot and I had been engaged. I felt Fin shift against me and I knew he was looking at me and at my hand where the simple diamond band sat twinkling in the bright lights of the church.

When the kids walked towards me I stood up and embraced each of them giving them a kiss on the cheek or the head too and then it was my turn. I didn't want to go up there after the announcement of my engagement in the middle of his funeral, but I wouldn't let him down so I slowly took my speech from my pocket and made my way to the front.

I was shaking like a fucking leaf but I didn't care. I glanced over at Don who nodded encouragingly.

"_Elliot Stabler was a great Detective. He could anticipate a perps next movement, guess an interrogation tactic that would work and run with it, he could link up clues that most would deem impossible… he was a great cop…"_

I could only read that much of my speech before I scrunched it beneath my hand. I knew everyone was watching and I looked over at Don again and I knew I had this determination in me that he saw and he gave me a firm smile and I nodded at him.

"_Elliot wasn't just an amazing cop and partner, he was a great man, he was inspirational and… he was my best friend from my first year as his partner. We instantly connected and I told him things I wouldn't tell a lot of people. He was the one who harassed me after my first good kill my second year at SVU, he's the one that was relentless in proving I hadn't killed someone when I was framed, and three years ago he became the man that wrapped his arms around me when I got too involved in a case. Yes he was my partner, my best friend but three years ago he became my lover too._

_We knew it was frowned upon, we knew the second anyone found out about us that we would be split up as partners and neither one of us could deal with that so we didn't tell anyone other than his ex-wife and his children. We knew it was wrong but we needed each other because on this job we saw things that no one should ever have to see, we dealt with victims of crimes that no one should ever have to suffer and yes we found in the end that the only people we had to rely on was each other and yes that relationship went much further than either one of us guessed it would eleven years ago. _

_I loved Elliot Stabler before I shared a bed with him and I will always love him. He was my best friend and partner and… and he always will be."_

I rushed from the front straight into Don's waiting arms.

"You did it Liv." He whispered to me as I cried hard, I could barely breathe but I had done it and I didn't even read the speech I'd spent four days working on.

The rest of the service passed in a blur. I spent it sat between Munch and Don, both of them holding me tight and comforting me.

Then of course came the burial. I had thought Kathy or Maureen would take the flag but Maureen came over and said I was to take it, as I was supposed to be his wife even though we hadn't made it down the aisle, I was still his next of kin.

That made it so real, not the funeral and him … him leaving but our relationship and what the kids knew I meant to him and vice versa.

The wake was held back at Don's place because it was bigger. I went straight up to the room that I'd been staying in changed into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt with all intentions of going back downstairs but I couldn't and I fell into bed crying. I was quickly joined by all the Stabler kids and we all cuddled until we fell asleep.

I woke up when the bedroom door opened and Don came in.

"Everyone is wondering where you are Liv." He whispered.

I glanced at the clock and realised we'd been gone a good hour. I managed to climb out of the bed without waking the kids probably because they hadn't slept in a week.

"Ok?" He asked me as soon as we were out in the hallway.

"Yeah." I replied nodding, I really didn't know how else to put it.

"Come on everyone wants to see you." He said taking my arm and leading me downstairs.

I really didn't want to talk to anyone but I knew it would be harder if I hid away and said nothing. Luckily Munch and Fin came over first and they both hugged me tight.

"We're here for you Liv." Munch said.

"We're going nowhere baby girl." Were Fin's chosen words which made me smile a little.

"Thanks guys." I said before letting Don take me to the next person who wanted to talk to me.

I wasn't pleased when I saw it was Kathy Malone. She was definitely one of the last people I wanted to speak with. She hugged me and it felt sincere so I hugged her back, I knew she was hurting too because she'd loved Elliot once and he had given her four children.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry you had to lose him Liv, God knows you deserved to be happy with him and I'm sorry your chance was taken." She told me gently.

"Thank you." I said softly, luckily we've always been civil.

"Now probably isn't the time to ask you Olivia but … I want you to continue the custody agreement with the kids, they need you in their life Olivia…"

"You were right Kathy now isn't the time." Don said carefully and she nodded softly in reply.

"Just think about it, you have my number." She said before walking off and I let out a sigh, she knew I would never say no to keep the custody agreement.

"Who's next?" I asked knowing Don wouldn't have called me down just for Kathy.

"Uh the Chief of D's." Don replied and I frowned, if he'd told me that upstairs I'd have told him to go to hell.

"Best get it over with." I replied shoving my hands into my pockets and following Don through to the kitchen where the Chief of D's was talking with the Commissioner and I felt like I was about to be sick.

"Ah Detective Benson good of you to join us." The Chief said and I honestly felt like punching him in the mouth.

"I'm sorry Sir I was seeing to the kids." I replied dryly, I wasn't going to let him say anything without biting his head off and I felt Don tense up beside me.

"Understandable." He said sincerely and I relaxed a little but I was still on guard. "Of course my sincere apologies for your loss Detective, I mean losing your partner is tough for any Detective but losing your lover… I am very sorry." He said and I struggled to blink back the tears.

"Thank you." I whispered my voice failing, I was shocked when he put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

"Yes I cannot imagine being in your position Detective, it's understandable that you were very close after eleven years but of course none of us knew how close." The Commissioner said and I nodded in reply, I really did feel like I was about to be sick and I closed my eyes trying to push the nausea away, I mean I knew it would come at some point but now wasn't the time I wanted it to hit me.

"Olivia?" Don asked seeing that I had switched off.

"Yeah?" I replied trying to mask it but he could see something had changed in me at that point.

"You ok?" He asked.

"Yeah, excuse me." I said to the three men around me and hurried off to the nearest bathroom.


	5. Session 4 part 2

**_Session 4 part 2_**

So there it was, the first bout of Morning Sickness hitting me at two in the afternoon on the day of Elliot's funeral.

Lucky for me it was Kathy who heard me being sick and came inside to help me, I would have died… that's not really appropriate but you know what I mean… I'm just really glad that it wasn't anyone else.

"Oh Liv." She said kneeling down beside me.

I rested my head on her shoulder as she rubbed my back.

"I can't do this Kathy." I sobbed and she held onto me tight.

Kathy and the kids were, like with the engagement, the only people who knew that I was ten weeks pregnant at that point.

"Yes you can Olivia, because he's with you and that kid don't you ever forget that." She said as I broke out in more wracked sobs, it was like reality hitting me at that point, I'd been able to push aside the fact that I was having a kid because other than the tiny pouch that had started to show just to me and Elliot who knew every line and curve of my body I had no other outward symptoms of pregnancy.

"Come on chick." She said softly as she handed me a piece of toilet roll but I didn't get the chance to take it before I was turning and shoving my head back down the toilet.

I was there for twenty minutes with Kathy rubbing my back and pulling back my hair and on the third bout Cragen knocked on the door and slipped it open when he heard the vomiting.

"She's uh… not dealing." Kathy said softly, she knew this wasn't how I wanted Cragen to find out about the baby.

"Ok. I'll get some ginger ale." He said before slipping out again and at that moment all I could think was that Ginger Ale sure sounded nice.

Once I was sure it was over Kathy helped me to the couch in the living room, the place was still full of people but when they saw how weak I looked none of them hesitated in moving from the couch. Don brought over the ginger ale and sat beside me and took my hand and many people saw it was time to start leaving because it was obvious I didn't want any of them there.

Don and Kathy stayed beside me while Munch and Fin thanked people for coming. I was a wreck and after drinking the ginger ale and crying some more my body and mind finally rested a little enough for me to get some sleep but of course the fact that the sleep wasn't drug induced brought the nightmares and I probably slept about half an hour before I woke up screaming.

Which of course led to more crying. The more I think about it now the more I see how much of a vicious cycle it was back then it was crying, sleeping, nightmares, crying and it just went on and on.

Once I was calm enough I finally said that I wanted to go home. At first everyone thought home was mine and Elliot's apartment until I corrected them and said my apartment in the upper west side. Don was reluctant but I said if someone didn't drive me I would walk or get a cab and then Don agreed to take me.

He came in and saw how unlived in it look. All my furniture had been covered up, all my electrics had been turned off including the empty fridge/freezer. It was obvious no one had lived in the place for months and the truth was no one had lived there for two years. I had been going backwards and forwards though, getting my mail, paying the rent but I hadn't slept in that apartment in two years.

I made the bed up and found some old pyjamas in one of the drawers, it's mad to think I hadn't taken all of my clothes and that the clothes in the drawers hadn't been touched in two years but my scent was still on them, well a combination of mine and his seeing as he lived with me six months prior to getting an apartment together.

I didn't even talk to Don, I just crawled into the made bed, took a couple of the sleeping pills and went to sleep. I don't even know how long Don stuck around for but he did plug in all my appliances, went grocery shopping for me and made sure he locked the door before leaving.

All I know is that for the next six days I didn't leave that apartment, didn't answer my phone and refused to answer the door.


	6. Session 5

It had been a week since Elliot's funeral when someone decided enough was enough. I was fast asleep when I heard hammering at the door but as usual I rolled over and ignored it. I should have known not to underestimate my friends who busted down the door breaking all three locks on it.

"Go away." I said without even looking to see who it was.

"Enough is enough Olivia." Don said firmly and I groaned, I didn't understand why they wouldn't leave me alone. "Get up, get dressed and meet us in the living room we're not moving until you're with us."

I waited till he shut the door before I climbed out of bed. I did as I was told, why I complied I don't know but I did. I showered, changed and met not just Don but Munch, Fin and George out in the living room.

"What's going on?" I asked weakly folding my arms defensively across my chest.

"What's going on? Olivia you've been hiding away here for six days, enough is enough." Don replied quite harshly, I'm guessing it was what George told him to do because I can't imagine him being like that for any other reason.

"What do you want me to do?" I asked, stupid question really because they wanted me to get my act together.

"We're going for food and a few drinks and you're not saying no. So here's your coat." Don explained handing over my knee high cream cashmere coat, the one Elliot bought me last Christmas after I said I really liked it.

"Fine." I replied, I knew there would be no harm in leaving the apartment for a few hours.

We went to an Italian restaurant and I probably ate more then than I had since Elliot's… well since Elliot.

"_So how is everything at the one six?" She asked just wanting to keep up the act that she was fine, truth was she knew she wasn't fine, she was dying inside. _

"_Quiet." Don replied shrugging, he didn't want to tell her it felt like both she and Elliot had died because she wasn't there. _

"_I want to come back on Monday." She said with her head down, she didn't know why she couldn't say it straight up, she'd been back before the funeral. _

"_Whenever you're ready Olivia." Don replied with a smile, he hoped she was ready because he needed her back. _

"_Good." She nodded. _

"_Well if everyone's done with dinner how about we head to the bar?" Don suggested, he knew his Detectives were planning on getting wasted and he wanted to make sure Olivia didn't drink too much and use it as an excuse to drown her sorrows, he had been really pleased when she was showering and he was searching the apartment that one she'd been eating and two that there wasn't a single drop of alcohol to be found. _

_At the bar Munch and Fin ordered a pitcher and Don and George both ordered Soda Water. _

"_I'll just have a coke please." Olivia said to the waitress. _

_Don was impressed, she wasn't drinking at all which meant she knew the consequences drinking could have, or at least so he thought. _

"_No pitcher? Jeez Liv we're supposed to be throwing it all out there tonight." Munch chuckled and Olivia smiled and nervously clasped her hands on the table, now was the right time to tell them. _

"_Uh guys… the reason I'm not having a drink is because … well… guy's I'm now eleven weeks pregnant." Olivia stuttered. _

_Everyone stared at her in shock for a moment, not only because they had never thought of Olivia as being pregnant it was because they knew it was Elliot's baby and a baby who would never get to meet his father. _

So that's how they found out. I had to say something because they all knew I would have wanted to drown my sorrows. No one knew what to say to me, they knew congratulations wasn't exactly appropriate.

"**Did they say anything?"**

Don just pulled me into his arms and told me they would all be there for me which I knew was true, I hadn't even doubted that… until now but of course that's why I'm here, I realised at that moment that I wasn't ready to be a Mom on my own.


	7. Session 6

**A/N: Ok so the italics are now memories a LOT taken from the show, I'd like to make it clear that I don't own SVU or any of its characters or scripts I am just borrowing it to make my story!**

* * *

"**Take me back to the start of your relationship?"**

To do that I have to take you back to the start of our partnership...

We were working a very complex case about a man in a cab that had his penis cut off. It was complex because we first believed the victim to be a man by the name of Victor Spicer, that was until we found out that Victor Spicer was in Rikers.

Anyway it turns out that the man who was killed was wanted for war crimes, he raped like seventy women or something. Don was concerned about me not being able to handle it considering my father was a rapist, Elliot kept insisting that he believed me that I could handle it. The truth was I couldn't handle it, at all. He had to go to do something and I found myself going to interview as suspect alone. I knew it when I was there that she was one of two killers, I knew it and yet I denied it.

"_So you don't think she murdered him?" Elliot asked after a few minutes of watching Olivia twirl a pencil around her fingers. _

_They were sat at their conjoined desks facing each other, he was trying to read her, interrogate her. _

"_No." She said putting the pencil down. "I don't think she murdered him."_

_Elliot knew she was lying of course by the way she avoided eye contact and ran her fingers through her hair. _

"_She said she was in her office till around one …" She continued. "That's after he was killed." She shrugged awkwardly. _

"_And no one else was there." Elliot said the look on his face showing that he was really not buying what Olivia was selling. _

"_No one else was there." She repeated. _

"_And no one else was there that is an anti-alibi." Elliot explained._

"_Elliot." Olivia pushed. "I saw her hands, there are no broken finger nails."_

_The way he looked at her showed he cared for her but also showed that he didn't believe any of the shit she was spewing. _

"_Look we know there are two killers, so … how are we going to find the other one?" She asked not realising that Elliot's interrogation tactics had worked on her, it was so obvious she was still a bit of a rookie. _

"_You mean the other one who also didn't do it?" He asked laughing a little at her slip up. "We've got three other Tanzik victims to check out so… let's do that." He said getting to his feet._

I remember he really knew I was lying, I had to though, I understood that we couldn't pick the vic you know but if that had been my father I can't say I wouldn't have done the same, just my dad was already dead when I found him.

I saw my mother the night before that happened, we sat at a restaurant and she was sober … we were drinking wine and she told me that she understood what the women had done but she didn't condone it, she said that if he hadn't raped her she wouldn't have had me… probably the nicest thing she ever said to me and she also asked me what good would it have done for me to grow up with her in prison. That was probably one of the first times I realised she cared about me, she really did want me.

Anyway I'm running away again, back to the case, it was horrible because we quickly found the second killer who eventually killed herself. After a confession and a deal of man two Elliot and I were called into Don's office because he wasn't pleased with the result.

_"You've just used your get out of jail free card on this one Olivia."_ He said to me angrily. _"There's only one in the pack."_

If only he knew how many times he'd go through the pack over the years.

Our killer, while she was dying after stabbing herself pulled Elliot's ear to her and whispered something. Just after we'd left Don's office we sat at our desks just staring at each other both of us thinking about what had happened over the past few days. I asked him what it was that the woman had said to him.

"I just want to be with my family." He replied and my heart cracked at that moment.

These women deserved justice and instead they took revenge, back then I was with them, revenge was what I would have done too in their positions but of course after all those years at SVU your outlook changes.

I'll never forget how he took care of me during that case, it was my first big case with SVU and it hit hard. Elliot's belief in me during that time … I think that's when I noticed that there was something between us, then of course I didn't know what it was.

The next hard case was a single woman who'd been abused by her father as a child and had run away changed her name to hide. She committed suicide by diving through a window and we were investigating it thinking it was a homicide.

Just after we got the case I remember saying I couldn't live like her, if someone would have killed her and left her in her in the apartment she could have been there for months before anyone would have noticed.

Elliot knew before I did. He knew that I was in the same situation I mean I know that my Mom was still alive then but she was too drunk to notice most of the time but as soon as I made the comment about her having no one Elliot knew but I didn't.

Don told me during that case to get inside the victims head. He told me that just after telling me all about how his wife Marge died. I think that's when Cragen and I began to get close too, when I was sat in his office just talking and he told me about his wife's death and his house with the swimming pool ... strange ... anyway ...

I listened to the vics sister sob her heart out after confronting her molesting father. I'll never get those sobs out of my head you know … and I was talking to Elliot afterwards and I told him that I knew he realised that I had no one in the same sense Gretchen Quinn had no one and you know what he said to me? He said

"But your Dad didn't molest you Olivia." He said it after I said that the vic and I were similar.

"No he didn't Elliot." I replied. "But he did rape my mother."

I went home after that and let the cold hard reality of what I'd worked out hit me, Elliot and I didn't even call each other by our nicknames then, we were just Olivia and Elliot or Benson and Stabler there wasn't that in between that came after time.


	8. Session 7

**AGAIN I don't own the speech in italics, I'm just borrowing it for this story!**

_**Session 7**_

We worked a couple of cases after that, we were friends, close friends ish I mean, he talked to me about his family, mainly his kids. Even by then we already had that rapport going you know, where we walked in sync while we argued possible motives or how the crime played out.

The next memorable case is probably the one with this famous travel writer, he was found murdered. That's when I remember the touching beginning, you know leaning to close over to look at the computer, brushing of hands and stuff. It's really sad in a way, he sent fireworks coursing through my body even back then.

That case is also the first time I remember choosing Elliot. A perp threw a rail of clothing towards him before breaking out in a run and I hesitated to ask him if he was alright. The first time but it definitely wasn't the last time.

It was also the first time I doubted the so called victim. First big disagreement between Elliot and I too, he believed the teenager and I didn't. I remember when the mother went to hit me and Elliot stood in front of me, protective son of a bitch even then.

The most memorable part of that case though is a conversation Elliot and I had when we were still disagreeing about who the killer was.

"_The Mom had a revolving door of boyfriends, Virginia learned at an early age that men were just a commodity. That, an as arcane as it sounds, there is some truth to the notion that every girl wants to marry her father." Olivia explained as she desperately tried to get it through to Elliot that she was right, they didn't often disagree but this was probably the strongest disagreement they'd had. _

"_But most of them out grow it." Elliot replied simply, he understood her points and concepts but he was struggling to believe them. _

"_When a father is absent it is not unusual for a younger girl to be attracted to an older man." Olivia continued hoping he'd understand. _

"_That's what this is about?" Elliot asked as they continued to walk in sync. _

"_It happens a lot more than you think." Olivia replied looking at her partner. _

"_How old were you?" He said turning to meet her gaze._

_She looked at him for a moment then turned away, she should have known he'd figure it out that there was a personal connection to what she was saying. _

"_Almost seventeen." She replied eventually, this was too personal for her liking. _

"_And he was?" Elliot asked trying to understand his partner's point of view. _

_It was obvious to anyone that Olivia was uncomfortable with the questions. _

"_Older than seventeen." She replied as if that was enough to keep his questions at bay, she'd proved her point she just wanted him to accept it for what it was. "About as old as I am now and I'll tell you something now, I couldn't have loved him more." She added knowing that he would ask and she knew she wouldn't be able to dance around the topic. _

"_I don't care how you look at it, it's an unequal relationship being in love does not absolve an affair." Elliot replied frustrating his partner. _

"_I'm not saying that love is ever an excuse." She snapped a little. "I'm saying that soul mates come in all shapes and sizes and ages…"_

"_Soul mates? Come on… Olivia?" Elliot argued. _

"_Elliot…" Olivia had to change the subject. "She didn't remember the position of the body have you ever seen that?" She argued coming to a stop to make full eye contact with her partner. "What are you trying to protect in her…"_

"_Her." He replied instantly. "I'm trying to protect her."_

"_No! You're trying to protect your daughter and you need to can't." Olivia argued knowing her partner well enough to know it would rattle him that she was bringing his kids up. _

"_Don't bring her into this." He said firmly pushing each word. _

And that was it. End of conversation, but whereas I was being honest even if I did change the subject he still wasn't comfortable admitting that sometimes he saw his kids in the cases and sometimes it impaired his judgement, he actually scared me a little when he said 'don't bring her into this' there was a glare in his eyes that sorta said I had no right to think that he was thinking of her.

He warned me in the next big case. It's kinda funny when I think about it now but the case we were working rape homicide, the students on the campus had placed banners and flowers at the place where the body was found and he said if I ever let that happen to where he went down he would haunt me… a week after the funeral I built up the courage to go back to the warehouse.

He would kill me if … if he could. I went there and I took just a couple of candles and a bouquet of flowers, I know he would hate it but I did it anyway.

"**What did you right on the card?"**

I wrote a letter rather than a card. I wrote just a small letter.

_My fallen hero, _

_If you haunt me that's ok, I don't mind its better having you haunt me than not having you at all. _

_I'm going to miss you everyday El, every single day for the rest of my life but our baby is going to keep just a part of you alive for me, a part of us, a reminder of what we had together even if it wasn't meant to last. _

_I feel blessed to have been allowed that part of you for the little time than the thought of not having had you at all. _

_All my love always for now and forever_

_Liv _

It made me feel a little better, not much but a little even though I know he'll never read the letter … I can imagine he did you know?

Anyway back to our first year as partners. The next memorable case is one that has haunted me my entire career.

His name was Richard White.

It all started with the rape and murder of ADA Karen Fitzgerald, she was a friend of mine sorta we'd shared drinks after court but more acquaintances than friends. Anyway, he was a suspect in the case and after breaking through his alibi it was easy.

He was a power reassurance rapist you know? He didn't like strong, independent women and after going toe to toe with him in interrogation he uh… he fixated on me.

"_What was it like before you became a Detective?" White asked walking towards her, she was standing her ground and showing no weakness. _

"_What was what like?" She asked confidently in reply. _

"_I mean did you wear a uniform?" He asked coming to stop right in front of her and looking into her chocolate orbs. "You're still wearing one now although…" he looked her up and down as he spoke. _

"_Oh come on now we're not here to talk about me." She interrupted smugly bringing his eyes back to hers. _

"_I get it, enough about me what do you think about me? Right?"_

"_Right." Olivia sniggered. "Well for openers your alibi for Fitzgerald is shredding." Olivia said as she walked around the table to where he had walked off. _

"_Oh?" He replied. _

"_Yeah the lock box seems like anybody could have used it if they had your code." Olivia explained with a look in her eye that said she was winning and loving it. "you didn't have to be there."_

"_But I was." He smirked._

"_See this is weird because your partner says you weren't." Olivia continued with the same smug look on her face. _

"_She wasn't telling the truth." He shrugged still as confident as when he first walked into the room annoying the fuck out of Olivia but she wasn't going to let it show. _

"_How can you be so sure?" Olivia sniggered. _

"_Because you're not." He replied making sure to catch her eyes. _

"_Oh." Olivia replied walking away making it obvious she didn't believe him. _

"_You dress down but you're very attractive." He said as she walked away. _

"_Oh, is this some of your famous charm White?" Olivia began turning on the heat. _

"_Richard, Olivia." Her told her quite firmly. _

"_It's Detective Benson." She replied enforcing her authority knowing he would hate it. _

"_I know. A year and a half in special victims unit, a graduate of Sienna College." He said and she tried desperately to hide how much that freaked her out, that he'd looked her up. "It's public record, you can find almost anything if you know where to look."_

"_You know what you are?" She was getting really rattled. _

"_A relator."_

"_You're a nosy parker." She said. _

"_And you're a bitch." He snapped maintaining the stare she was giving him._

"_Did I hit a nerve?" She asked standing barely a foot away with her eyes glued on his. _

"_I don't have any nerves." He replied cockily. "How about you?" He asked brushing a hand down her face making her squirm uncomfortably. _

"_We'll see." She said with a shit eating grin on her face. _

"_Look I've got a quaint turn of the century rat hole to show, unless you've got some evidence to book me…"_

"_Go with God… Richard." She sighed knowing that they had nothing and would have to let him go. _

After searching his house we found a list of places he'd written, Elliot called them all thinking that maybe Fitzgerald went there, he then realised that he knew the places, they were places I went to.

The next morning he came to get me to work. He said he was 'in the neighbourhood' but he had the sedan, it was quite funny. It's really sad that I remember I was drinking orange juice, I remember because he drank from my glass… how sad.

I then received my own bouquet of twelve roses, with a card saying no hard feelings. It's one of those cases that I'm never going to get out of my head you know, every time I ever received flowers after that I'd be paranoid.

That evening Elliot offered to walk me up to my door and when I stopped him he told me to flick my lights, he would have stayed there all night if I hadn't. Stubborn son of a bitch. That very night White called me, scared the shit out of me the phone ringing did. He wanted to meet me in Central Park, warned me not to bring any cops but of course that wasn't going to happen.

We set the fucker up, he held a knife to my throat that morning. For one moment I thought none of them were coming and the sound of Elliot's voice echoing telling him to drop the knife … I've never been that pleased to hear any voice in my life.

Probably where I fell in love with him. I mean, he was my hero I was probably having some … I don't know if there's a name for it but I was the damsel in distress and he was my prince charming, any woman in my position would have started having the same feelings.

"_I'm fixed on you… and until I'm dead, I'll always be in your head, just like your mother has someone in her head. Hmm, we're joined at the hip now aren't we? … Detective Stabler, how are Kathy and the kids?" _

He was right. He will always be in my head … but not just until he dies, he will always be in my head no matter what but the most shocking thing was and is, I wasn't scared for me, or of what he said to me that day. I was scared of what he said to Elliot, it infuriated me to hear him threaten his wife and his kids.


	9. Session 8

_**Session 8**_

Not long after that I broke my own golden rule about sleeping with a co-worker… it seems I made a habit of that. His name was Brian Cassidy, he was a good cop and even better in bed. You know my pager went off and we were both scrambling trying to find our own in the heap of clothes we'd left on the bedroom floor. I kissed him and as I was pulling on my robe because I had to go to work and ... it was so funny he says 'hey that was incredible' I told him not to get used to it.

You know what's funny? Elliot knew. He cornered me about it at the lockers because through the start of that case Brian and I were at each other's necks.

He looked … I don't know pissed isn't the right word but he definitely wasn't pleased so I tried to deny it but of course Elliot and I at this point could practically read each other's thoughts so there was no way I could lie to him and get away with it.

That's when he told me. That's when he said "I'm your partner for better or worse." And so I told him that I'd broken a personal rule and that Cassidy had asked to see me again and Elliot said "can you blame him?" I had goose pimples and suddenly felt like a thirteen year old with a crush. It wasn't supposed to happen, I didn't ask for any of it to happen.

You know, thinking hard about it now, it's quite shocking how much detail I remember of what happened so early on in our partnership, by this point Elliot and I had been partners for a year and a half, it flew by.

Not long after that Elliot broke my confidence by telling Munch about my Dad, the only people who knew at work were Elliot and Don, it was need to know basis but we were filling out some medical forms and as per I had to leave the father's side blank and Munch made some snide comment about me having the right idea or something so Elliot went and told him that my Dad raped my Mom.

Bless Munch, he told me he knew told me he was there if I ever wanted to talk. Even then he was like a crazed big brother to me. He even went out of his way to find some more information for me, I was obsessed with trying to find my father at the time, I'd listened to the statements, read every transcript, the lot.

We arrested Ray Gunther, he called me sweetheart and Elliot squeezed his cuffs so tight and told him to apologise to me, it was brilliant and I was there saying I didn't need an apology from that slime ball it was one of the many times we both got to play bad cop.

Anyway, after the whole thing with Munch helping me locate who he thought was my father I hunted him down, Elliot followed me, watched me while I looked at this man hanging out his window. I knew Elliot was there and I went into the car and told him that the man wasn't my father, I was near tears why I don't know but I was. He was there for me, Elliot, he really was all those years ago when he was still very happily married.

We were both stood on the Promenade at Brighton Beach not long after that just after watching this Russian guy shoot himself in the chest over someone he loved who didn't love him or something. Neither one of us knew what to say and the silence was awkward.

"_Let's go home Olivia." Elliot said softly, he understood they were both in shock over what had happened. _

"_Some people consider death a blessing." She told him as they started to walk. "This was no blessing." She added eventually. _

"_What a mess." Elliot sighed. _

"_Blowing people's heads off because of someone's vodka induced third grade notion of tragedy." Olivia replied weakly, she couldn't wrap her head around what had happened. _

"_It's a load of crap." Elliot said, he really was summing it all up in as few words as possible. "And for this they come to America."_

It was after that he started buying me things, you know just coffee and donuts then lunch and once he'd done it a few times I did it back too and that's just how we were for a while, a few touches here and there and buying each other coffee and lunch.

**A/N: The bit where I wrote they had been partners for a year and a half when she slept with Cassidy, that's what Elliot says in the show, believe me I was watching each episode as I wrote these. **


	10. Session 9

**A/N: Just so you get the picture, sessions are once a week in case I mention in future chapters how many weeks along Olivia is and it confuses anyone. She would be 20 weeks in this chapter!**

* * *

_**Session 9**_

The second year as partners was very different to the first. In the first year we had just been getting to know each other, slowly learning each other's strengths and weaknesses and how we worked with and without each other. The second year was filled with a growing bond, we became one that year, became the team that we continued on being to everyone else, so unlike the team we felt we were. Of course the difference is that they didn't know by the end we were sleeping together.

During our second year as partners my Mom died. It was while we were working this big case about a girl being raped. I was called into Don's office when he told me that she'd been found dead after falling down some subway steps. I was heartbroken, my Mom and I might not have gotten along and she may have lived most of her life in a drink induced coma but she was still my Mom and she was the only family I had.

Elliot, Fin, Munch and Jeffries came to the funeral. I felt like such a fraud I didn't even know my own Mom. People were talking to me about her and I had no idea what to say to them.

"_Your Mother was so special, it's a great loss for everyone at Columbia. Remember, neither fire nor wind, birth nor death, can erase our good deeds" A professor from Columbia said as he held Olivia's hands. _

_She remained still as he talked to her, barely even looking at him. _

"_Liar." She said as Elliot came over and rubbed her back, she was staring at the photo of her mother above the casket. _

"_Anything I can do for you?" He asked as she turned away from the coffin. _

_She shook her head in reply and just relaxed into the hand that continued to stroke her back as she looked towards her co-workers in the distance. _

"_I feel like such an idiot." She said turning to look at Elliot._

"_Don't." Elliot said as he continued to caress her back softly. "Hey look, look, if you wanna talk later…" He caught that she wasn't listening instead looking at someone in the distance. "Who's that?" He asked her gently. _

"_That's my Mother's oldest friend." She replied. "And drinking buddy. Excuse me." She said before walking off leaving Elliot to hope that she was ok and remind himself to be there for her if she needed him. _

He really was there for me during all that. It was nice to have someone there for me because other than my drunk Mother I never had that you know? Elliot was seriously my knight during all that and I still, even to this day, feel blessed that he was there for me during it all.

A little while after that I got too involved in a case. It was a singers son, she claimed he'd been molested, he'd ran after his abuser just to end up being hit by a car. Poor kid. But they had another daughter, her name was Ashleigh Austin-Black. Beautiful kid. She got really attached to me after I'd spent only two minutes with her, I called Elizabeth Olivet and met with her for lunch because I needed help with this kid, she was calling me to work nonstop, she ran off and came looking for me, it was ridiculous. Olivet said it was reactive attachment disorder. I know you know what that is so I won't bother explaining it but poor kid, she just wanted to be loved but her Mother pulled out a restraining order against the whole unit and no one was pleased with me about it because we thought Ashleigh was being abused physically but turns out she was hurting herself for attention. Don was so close to firing me during that case but I had to put my ass on the line for that kid you know?

"_Hey, what are you still doing here?" Olivia asked as she walked back into the bullpen after taking Ashleigh into foster care, Elliot just shrugged in reply. _

"_Did you drop her off at late street?" He asked as she took to her desk. _

"_Yeah. Never been there before, it's a room filled with a dozen cots." She sighed. _

"_It's been about a month now hasn't it?" Elliot asked and Olivia frowned. _

"_Since what?" She asked confusion evident on her face. _

"_Your mom." He replied softly. _

"_Where did that come from?" She asked feeling annoyed at her partner. _

"_Olivia it's me, I know the issues you had with her." He said keeping his blue eyes fixed on her as he sat back in his chair._

"_No." She replied with a subtle sigh and a shake of the head. "No connection."_

"_Successful woman rarely home, when she was home she was drunk. You were lonely and neglected and you never had the chance to resolve the things before she died." Elliot said in a systematic manner and Olivia bowed her head slightly as he spoke. _

"_You're wrong." She replied lifting her brown eyes to meet his. _

_He kept his eyes on hers for a moment, trying to see if there was a way he could break through the barrier that was between them right now. _

"_Let me get you a coffee." He said pushing back his chair and giving her a gentle smile._

I guess you can't win them all right? I wonder often what happened to Ashleigh, she was such a lovely little girl if given the right love and care she'd grow into an amazing woman, she'd be in her late teens early twenties by now and I wonder what she did after leaving home, if she ever made it into the real world as strong as she could have. There's a mark in my jacket about that case, I ended up in front of the disciplinary for insubordination and was lucky to come out of it with my shield, was it worth it? I don't know, Ashleigh's Mom still went on tour which meant she violated the Article Ten that was on her and her promise of postponing the tour she made in open court but I guess I'll never know how little Miss Austin-Black turned out.

Not long after that Elliot and I were working yet another rape homicide, the amount we've worked over the years I'm still surprised I can identify one from the other but this one was particularly memorable. It was a school teacher, found dead in her apartment. She had uh… quite the fascinating sex life. Anyway, we found out she was a regular at sex clubs which meant we had to pay them a visit. The place was called Flings, as soon as we walked in we were greeted and welcomed. Then we were told we would be given a privet room to change and do whatever and Elliot turned to me and said "Olivia you go first." I cannot even begin to describe what was going through my mind _and_ body at that point. My face spoke a different story, they thought I was nervous but truth was I was terrified that he'd be able to see that I was thinking 'you and me let's go now'.

Anyway that was really it for the second year, it gets more exciting as the years go by but for now we'll go onto year three.

It wasn't that exciting. Not really. In our third year as partners I had my first good kill but before I tell you about that I have to tell you about the case itself, another one that has haunted me throughout my career.

His name was Eric Plummer. He'd been in prison for eight years after I had helped build a case against him and the Jury found him guilty. The truth was he wasn't guilty and DNA cleared him. He then went on to kill three people I'd worked with, two victims and one family member of a victim then he killed the father of one of my victims and laid him out in front of my door.

I almost lost Elliot during that case.

The perp was out to get me, that was obvious quite quickly but you know me I wasn't backing down. Elliot ended up putting a protective detail on me which caused me to pull my gun on an FBI unit. I made them then drive me up to Queens and woke Elliot up and we had a real big argument.

"I didn't tell you about the detail because I knew you'd refuse." Elliot said as he sat down on the steps of his house.

"It's only the rat squad that puts cops on other cops Elliot without telling them." Olivia snapped back, she was furious with him for going behind her back. "I deserved better than that especially from you."

"You've been under a lot of stress lately." Elliot said after a few seconds of awkward silence as he thought through his words carefully.

"I've always backed your play." She replied.

"And I did what I had to do." Elliot explained. "This guy's murdered four people what's to stop him from coming after you? Olivia…"

"If you can't trust your partner Elliot, it's time to get a new one." She said before walking off leaving him sat there on his steps in his robe and all he could do was watch her go.

That was the first time I took some time off work voluntarily, I was really questioning whether or not I could do my job. Except I knew I couldn't let it rest so I continued investigating on my own, playing some Velma vigilante or something.

I found him holding a gun to a woman's head. He told me the gun wasn't loaded while my gun was aimed at him and he told me, he told me the gun wasn't loaded but I couldn't believe him and when he clicked the safety off I shot him. I shot him three times and when I was told the gun wasn't loaded I was almost physically sick and I went home and I cried. I killed a man and I cried.

Elliot came around to check on me. I was sat in my living room and he was knocking on my door and he was calling me but I wasn't answering him. I was sat in the dark just wanting him to go away and leave me alone.

We got back to normal pretty quick once I'd dealt with it all. It seemed though that Elliot's personal life was on a downhill spiral. He and Kathy weren't talking very much about anything but arguing about everything and he became a bastard to work with.

We were on a stake out and he was really being a class A prick and that's why I think I did it you know? Every time his relationship was downhill I would advise him how to fix it with his wife or kids. I don't know why I did it. I really don't because by this point I think I was head over heels in love with him.

The next big one that really hit hard was when we were looking at cases that required us to look into children of rape. There was a professor who had the son of her rapist but he died when he was two hours old and she thought it was a blessing, she said she couldn't have lived with the constant reminder of her rape and I had to stand there and act completely unfazed of what she was saying to me.

"_Alright, now we go back and look at rapes that Sterns wasn't connected too." Olivia said as they left the office, she was determined to find this son of a bitch anyway she could. _

"_Unsolved rapes from twenty years ago they should be easy enough to crack." Elliot replied sarcastically, he knew exactly how to push Olivia's buttons. _

"_You got a better idea…"_

"_Yeah let's continue to pretend this isn't bothering you." Elliot replied. _

"_Oh Elliot knock it off." Olivia sighed, she really didn't want to get into this. _

"_You're going to tell me that what Professor Shelby said in there that isn't getting to you?" Elliot said once he'd stopped and looked at his partner, he could tell when she was lying or hiding something if he was facing her. _

"_I'm a child of rape Elliot, I've known that for a very long time and I appreciate your concern, I really do but I've dealt with it so I'm… I'm fine." Olivia replied softly. _

_He watched her, nodding his head gently as his blue eyes stuck on her brown ones just for a moment before he turned and carried on walking. _

He knew though. He could really see how it was affecting me and it didn't matter how much I told him that it didn't it he knew it was. Even back then he was an overprotective mind reading son of a bitch.


	11. Session 10

**I said somewhere in this story that they were partners for 11 years, scratch that it's 12 just so I can use all the episodes and I said they were together for three years well scratch that it's four because I have a particular episode they got together and after that the episodes I use become a little AU. Plus I find that EO Really got going good season seven on so I am just trying to get there so you may find this chap a little boring or a little fast but ah well back to grace next chapter I promise! Steff oxox**

_**Session 10**_

Our fourth year as partners was an interesting one or different, well not really it was a particular boring year for Benson and Stabler, we were working a lot but there wasn't a year we weren't working hard.

One very interesting case in our fourth year was when Elliot and I had to go undercover to catch a bent cop. I had to be his wife, and just for those five minutes while it was going on I was able to live the dream so to speak. He had his first good kill in front of me then and it hit him hard, as hard as mine had been the previous year.

But that was it out of interest that I can remember so I'm going to skip right ahead to the fifth year, if we're going to be done before the baby's born we should get as much out of the way each session because believe me when I say our partnership becomes more interesting and more complex as the years go by.

It was in our fifth year that Alex Cabot 'Died'. That was the one time I think Elliot and I cried in front of each other, when we first thought she was dead we couldn't talk to each other. We stayed together for a couple of hours crying in complete silence and then after a while he got up and he went home to his family and I went home to my empty apartment and cried myself into sleep.

The next day at the squad room was horrible. No one really knew what to say to one another you know? We went to see her, before they rushed her off to witness protection and when we were in the car on the way back I turned to Elliot and I said "We should go kill Zepatta." And he slowed the car down and looked right into my eyes and said "If only it were that easy."

After that came ADA Casey Novak, of course El and I were resistant at first, we didn't want her around because we wanted Alex back but we had to in the end and we did.

A few months after Casey arrived we were working this case where a woman was made to marry this man and was kept in a dungeon. A woman had come to me four years before telling me this but she was a drunk and I didn't believe her. I almost quit SVU during that case, I couldn't handle how much victims I could have prevented from becoming victims if I'd have believed her.

I went all Velma vigilante during that case too. Anyway, before I threatened to quit I worked out where he was and went off on my own. I found him dead, single stab wound to the chest and when the cavalry in other words Munch, Fin and Elliot arrived and saw me over the body I instantly became prime suspect number one.

"_Are you protecting her?" Elliot asked trying to keep the edge out of his voice. _

"_You think I'm covering for Hilary?" Olivia asked I surprise, she really expected him to ask if she'd killed him. _

"_Where did you drop her off?" Elliot asked, he had a thousand questions and he was damn sure he was going to get some answers. _

"_At her Mother's." Olivia replied instantly. _

"_They're estranged. Remember?" He continued. _

"_Hilary wanted to talk to her." Olivia replied keeping her eyes on Elliot while he couldn't even make eye contact with her and paced slowly instead. _

"_When d'you leave her there?" Elliot pushed. _

"_A couple of hours ago and I don't need you interrogating me." Olivia replied angrily. _

"_Why didn't you come back to the squad?" He asked ignoring her. _

"_Because I had a hunch!" She snapped. "I checked out five hotels and this one was number six."_

"_Without backup!" He yelled furiously as he finally came to a stop to look at his partner. "What the hell's the matter with you?" He asked looking into her eyes. _

"_Elliot, don't start with me." She replied angrily._

"_You're out of control…"_

"_I never had control of this one remember?" She interrupted. "I lost my judgement." She said honestly._

"_Everyone makes mistakes." Elliot told her sincerely. "Get over it." He added mainly for kicks. _

It was after that conversation that I almost quit. We walked back into the squad room and all those women were there and all of whom had been victims after this one I'd ignored and I just became so consumed with guilt.

I just thought to myself that was it you know? I'd made a mistake but I was convinced that I'd failed at doing my job and that I didn't deserve my gold shield anymore. I grabbed a box and made my way to my locker thinking I really couldn't do it and had to leave.

"_What's going on?" Don asked coming to his Detective's side. _

"_I can't do this anymore." Olivia told her superior as she stood holding her belongings, she really needed to leave and not have this conversation. _

"_It's not your fault." Don said firmly, he definitely didn't blame her. _

"_One of those victims must have killed Gorman and the worst part is … none of this would have happened if I'd just believed Hilary."_

"_There are vulnerable women no one would have believed." Don sighed gently. "You can't control what other people do, there will always be perps and victims."_

"_Think you need to tell me that?" She replied with tears sparkling in her brown eyes, she really had lost control this time. "The only reason I'm standing here is because my Mother let herself get raped."_

"_Let herself? Since when do you blame the victim?" Don replied, he couldn't believe what Olivia had just said. _

"_My Mother was drunk and so was Hilary. That's why I didn't believe her." Olivia explained in a mere whisper. "Now these women are paying for it."_

_"Ok quit, quit, throw away the good you've done and the good you'll do over one mistake." He replied before walking off and leaving her to consider what he said, he took all of two minutes to drop the box and continue working._

In court, the defence attorney made me prime suspect number one, of course he would because I was in that hotel room with his body alone.

"_She didn't even ask me if I did it." Olivia told Elliot after Casey walked out of the office leaving the two Detectives alone._

"_She can't." Elliot replied. "Look if she did and you admitted killing Gorman she couldn't put you on the stand without suborning perjury." Elliot explained further. _

"_You didn't ask me either." Olivia pointed out. _

"_I know you didn't." He said with a shit eating grin on his face. "You'd have shot the bastard." He said making her smile a little. _

He knew me even back then, I would have shot the bastard given half the chance.

Playing Velma vigilante seemed to be a habit of mine back then, there was a rapist, escaped from prison and took his son hostage wanting him to say that he wasn't a rapist.

I went into the hotel room alone, surrendered my weapon to an armed convicted rapist. The funny thing is one of the officers on the case was Andy Eckerson, an ex-boyfriend of mine that Elliot didn't like… at all. I worked the case with Andy and it didn't please Elliot one bit. Honestly you should have been there to see Elliot's face when Don said I'd be working with the Marshal because Elliot had to be in court.

So then it's the sixth year as partners. The year he called me Liv for the first time. I didn't notice when exactly it started, I just know it was in the sixth year, shocking huh? Most people think it's been there since the start of our partnership but it hasn't.

It was also in our sixth year when Elliot and Kathy separated, Kathy filed for legal separation and took his kids, he was so broken about it was far more violent and angry than I had ever seen him and it turned me right on if I'm honest.

Then there was the brief reappearance of Alex. That's when everyone found out she was still alive but then she was shipped straight back off to Witsec. I missed her a lot, I think if it hadn't been for Casey I'd have brooded more for Alex because even though they were different they were very alike too and Casey and I became close, I'd even go as far as to say I was probably closer to Casey than I was Alex.

Then there was Kathleen Stabler's DUI which put Elliot in a foul mood but he and Kathy were still fighting and… believe me by the time that happened I was used to Elliot's temper tantrums.

There was only one particularly memorable case that year but Elliot and Fin was out and I was working with Munch on it so I'm going to say that this one doesn't matter.

So year seven, started off as plain as the sixth.

There was this case. Of course there always is a case but anyway this case was one where Elliot finally cracked. It was one of his ex-partners kids and he beat a girl up, he was on steroids. Elliot even went as far as to recommend the parents didn't press charges against the perp. I was furious with him and gave him a good piece of my mind… and he got suspended for it, the girl's parents told Cragen and he was even angrier than I was.

I went over to see Elliot after we found out the kid was on steds, I had to apologise to him. He accepted it, luckily, I wouldn't have had a partner if he hadn't.

Elliot then got into a fight with the kids dad in the bathroom. The Father, the cop beat up his son and Elliot played hero. The guy was lucky he was still breathing when Elliot was done. I walked up to him and asked him what happened and he didn't even know how to answer me but of course you know all about that don't you Rebecca, he came to see you after that case.

Yes, Elliot told me about that. We told each other everything Rebecca, he told me his darkest secrets and I told him mine. He told me when we were cuddled up in bed one night, he told me about the whole thing with the diorama and his father beating him and… and he cried and I cried and we held each other and comforted each other… I was ok because I had him to hold me through those nights.

You know, a few months later he was shot. We were working a case where three kids were shot, one dead, neo-nazis. It's where we met the infamous Dana Lewis who almost had Elliot killed a total of three time, I was scared every time she showed up after the first.

It was when he was lying in a hospital bed that he told me that Kathy had started divorce proceedings. It's probably horrible to say but I was happy, I really had a hope that he and I would get together then, maybe. I mean, I couldn't be sure but I knew I wanted it.

I really started playing up to the fact I was a hot single woman after that. I had to go undercover to speed dating and I made sure that I looked amazing, and flaunted it in front of Elliot. I wanted to make sure he noticed me.

Anyway after the speed dating thing I was sat waiting for an email to come through from Romeo. Elliot came in and teased me that I might not have been the guy's type and I was screaming in my head going 'please say he's jealous!' pathetic right?

When the reply came saying that Romeo wanted to buy me a drink, Elliot's face read Jealousy and I was so happy. I had to go on a date with Romeo and Elliot was listening in and keeping an eye on me, I dressed up again obviously, but I didn't dress up for Romeo.

Not long after that I fell in love. I fell head over heels in a motherly fashion with this little boy called Nathan Phelps. He was such a sweetheart and after witnessing his Mother's murder he became a little attached to me but I'll be honest that I got attached to him too. He took revenge on his mother's killer, shot the bloke and it almost killed me. Poor kid had already been through enough. Anyway before he shot the guy I took him out for food, I slept with him in the cribs, I'd have taken that kid in in a heartbeat, actually, I wanted to take him in so much. I got attached.

The next case changed my relationship with Elliot forever. So I'll leave that till next time.


	12. Session 11

**So here it is the chapter I've been waiting to write, smut included so be aware!**

_**Session 11**_

So I told you last time that there was a case that changed my relationship with Elliot forever.

His name was Victor Paul Gitano. A serial killer and child rapist who killed a mother, father and daughter and kidnapped the two youngest kids, Ryan and Rebecca.

We tracked him down to the George Washington Bridge bus terminal. We were all there trying to catch him but he made us so we had to chase him down.

There came a point when I saw him and I went towards him. Elliot had spotted Ryan and was trying to get him, I pulled my gun on Gitano but he had Rebecca in his arms and he got to close and sliced my neck.

Elliot had a split second to make a decision. Me or Ryan. He chose me… He… He chose me over a victim and that never should have happened.

I remember hearing him call my name and he rushed over to me almost crying saying 'no please God no'. I was shaken and shocked and bleeding but I was ok and I told him to go. I told him I was ok and told him to go but he was too late and Gitano killed Ryan.

Elliot lost it. He lost sight of what was supposed to do, he broke into a car, it was Gitano's car but he couldn't have known for certain and we didn't have a warrant but he didn't care.

Then in an interrogation Elliot was insane, he wouldn't let me get a word in edgeways and he was angry and then we had an argument I don't think anyone who witnessed will ever forget.

"_Hey! Hey!" Olivia called. _

"_He doesn't know anything!" Elliot replied angrily still walking away and refusing to face his partner. _

"_Have you've got something to say to me because if you do then let's hear it." Olivia replied chasing after him, she wasn't about to let him be angry with her without an explanation, she'd done nothing wrong. _

_He stopped in his tracks and then turned and walked back to her with a look in his eye that sent chills down her spine. _

"_Why didn't you shoot Gitano?" He asked straight. _

"_He was using the child as a shield." She replied angrily. _

"_How could you let him get so close to you?" He continued. _

"_There were innocent civilians around I couldn't get a shot…"_

"_Well he got close and now Ryan's dead." He told her simply. _

_She looked at him in complete disbelief. _

"_So this is my fault?" She asked in shock. _

"_No I can't do this anymore, I can't be looking over my shoulder making sure you're ok…"_

"_You son of a bitch you know that's not true…"_

"_I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to the rescue." He yelled. _

"_Alright that's enough!" Don Cragen interrupted before either one could say anymore. _

He even snapped at Melinda during that case, he was an angry son of a bitch and it was getting on everyone's nerves but that argument had gotten to me, I have never and had never waited for Elliot to come to my rescue.

He went to see Huang. Voluntarily. He told me.

We were tracking Gitano. We ended up on a military base and thanks to some info and forensics we had a hunch that it was where Gitano was.

We went inside and split up hoping to find him and I heard a crash and a struggle and I ended up flying out from where I was covered. Gitano was holding a gun to Elliot's head. I was yelling for him to drop the gun and Elliot was yelling at me to shoot and Gitano was yelling that he would shoot Elliot but once everyone was quiet I started talking Gitano down.

Gitano was chatting complete shit and Elliot was yelling at me to shoot but I couldn't… not with a gun to his head.

"_Olivia you think about me and Rebecca's dead, pull that trigger, shoot him." Elliot said so calmly that it sent chills down Olivia's spine. "Shoot him… Olivia, shoot him." _

"_Yeah do that, but, you better make sure you take me out with one shot. One. Perfect. Shot. Of course my reflexes are pretty tight, I could pull this trigger before the bullet even hits me or maybe you miss me all together. Either way there's an eighty percent chance that I'm going to take this guy's head clean off. But you try it, definitely, it will probably turn out great." Victor explained throwing more doubt into Olivia. _

"_You can kill us both Victor but you still won't walk out of here." Olivia said shakily, she really couldn't handle this. _

"_Oh right, right, because you've got some buddies coming huh? When's that going down?" He replied. _

"_Any minute." Olivia said. _

"_Great. Great." Gitano replied shaking Olivia's core with fear. _

"_Just tell us where you hid her." Olivia stated. _

"_You know, you could put the gun down. At least then you might find her because otherwise she's gonna die. She's gonna die, he's gonna die, and it will be all your fault. Just like the little boy, how's your neck?"_

"_It's not the same thing Olivia you know that." Elliot told her softly but she was having a hard time believing it. _

"_Yes it is Olivia. God you two couple of screw ups…"_

"_Olivia…"_

"_How could you let that little boy go…"_

"_Olivia… Look at me…"_

"_Maybe you're just incompetent…"_

"_You can do the right thing, I didn't, I made that choice with Ryan and it was wrong…"_

"_Elliot." She pleaded in a whisper but he chose to ignore her. _

"_It was my fault, don't do it."_

"_Shut up." Gitano snapped seeing the effect Elliot was having on Olivia. _

"_Don't make that mistake…"_

"_Stop talking!" Gitano yelled. _

"_I would have done the same thing." She admitted._

"_I said stop talking!" He yelled angrier again. _

"_Don't make my mistake." Elliot told her softly. _

"_Drop it! Drop your gun now!" Gitano yelled panicking because he heard noise in the distance. "Put the gun down now! You cops don't come in here or everybody dies." He yelled. "Hey!" He noticed that Olivia and Elliot were focused on each other. "Hey!" He yelled again trying to get their attention but their eyes stayed momentarily glued on one another. _

"_Hey!" He yelled again. "I'll tell you where she is." He was getting desperate. _

"_Where?" Olivia asked angrily. _

"_She's in a van parked in a garage in Newark she might still be alive."_

_Olivia shook her head. _

"_He's lying." She whispered meekly. _

"_I know." Elliot replied softly. _

"_He's never going to tell us." Olivia told him. _

"_You're right." He reassured. _

"_We can all walk out of here alive if you just put the gun down." Gitano said trying to distract the partners but they were to fixed on each other to even acknowledge he'd said something. _

"_It's alright." Elliot told her softly. _

"_I'm sorry." She whispered so quietly that Elliot only knew what she said from reading her lips. _

_Elliot closed his eyes and prayed to go quickly as he waited for Olivia to take the shot. _

_The next thing there was a shot and it wasn't from Olivia or Gitano's gun and the relief flushed both of their faces. _

I just looked at Elliot. His eyes on mine and mine on his and we didn't need to speak. My nose was running, tears ran down my cheeks but I didn't care because he was alive and that was all that mattered to me… I could never have taken that shot.

It was quick back to work when we heard the little girl crying. Everything that had happened was forgotten for a moment while we searched for the little girl who had lost everything.

At the hospital I told Elliot the good news that Rebecca hadn't been physically injured, it was the best news we'd had since the whole case had begun. Her mental state wasn't too bad either.

"If that sniper hadn't beaten you to it … I know you would have taken that shot Olivia." Elliot said to me, I have never been able to forget this conversation either.

"No I wouldn't have." I replied in complete disbelief that he thought I would. "Do you really expect me to? Did you really expect me to cause your death? What about your kids?"

"I don't know." He told me. "I just couldn't get that boy out of my head."

"What about me?" I asked him desperately.

_"Look we both chose each other over the job, we can never let that happen again… otherwise… we can't be partners."_

I was shocked. He was all I had ever known since being a Detective really. You know he was my partner, my best friend and to hear him say that broke my heart.

"I can't believe you're saying that." Was all I managed to reply I mean, he couldn't even look at me.

"You and this job are about the only things I've got anymore. I don't wanna wreck that." He told me. "I couldn't take it." He said before walking off.

That's when I went to see Don Cragen… and I requested a new partner. I didn't want to but I had too after everything I knew things would be different between us, our relationship was damaged.

After talking with Cragen and agreeing to transfer to computer crimes I didn't want to go home. It was the last place I wanted to go so I made my way up to the cribs and found Elliot lying there and I suddenly became consumed with guilt, I couldn't tell him that I'd asked for a new partner.

"_Liv." Elliot said softly as he stood up to meet his partner. _

"_Hey El." She replied unsure what else she could say. _

"_You ok?" He asked as he approached her and she just nodded weakly, she really didn't know what to say to him. _

"_You?" She asked as he continued to walk slowly towards her. _

"_No." He replied honestly as he stood just inches away from her. _

_He slowly pushed a strand of her hair out of her face and she inhaled sharply at the contact, it was intimate, so unlike what they were used to. _

"_I'm sorry." He whispered as he cupped her face with his hand. "I just couldn't bear to lose you Liv."_

"_And you think I could lose you?" She asked him as she struggled to contain her tears. "El…"_

"_Shh." He said pressing his finger to her lips. _

_Her eyes stayed glued on his as he leant closer and closer to her. Then his lips touched hers, just softly, barely a brush but when she didn't jump away in fright or hit him he kissed her again, harder._

_He slowly deepened the kiss by edging her mouth apart and when she did he pulled her into his arms quite roughly. _

_She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him back just as frenzied as he was kissing her. She moaned subconsciously into his mouth as he stroked his hands up and down her back. _

_The next thing she knew they were both topless and he was pushing her onto one of the cots. They didn't break the kiss for a second as he went to work on her slacks, ripping off her shoes and socks in the process. _

_He then pulled away, scanning her eyes for any hesitancy but when he saw none he dived straight back in. She scratched her nails down his back as his own trousers and boxer shorts came off and the next thing she knew there was a thick masculine finger inside her making her gasp into his mouth. _

"_Shh." He whispered gently before twisting then removing the finger. _

_He parted her legs further and then lined himself against her opening. Once again he looked at her, seeking permission before he slipped inside of her. She arched at the intrusion and gasped in a mixture of pleasure and pain, he was bigger than she was used to and so the intrusion wasn't quite as welcomed. _

_For a moment he held still, knowing that he was a man on the larger side and that his partner needed to allow her body to relax again around him. As soon as he thought she had he began to pummel roughly into her. _

_She rocked her hips just as roughly and scratched her nails down his chest. This was eight years of intense sexual tension and frustration being let loose when both of them where in a state of anger and frustration and it was going to have damning consequences for both of them as they caused each other considerable amount of pleasure and pain. _

_As the sweat doused their bodies his grip on her hips slowly faded and he bent over her and gripped her shoulders tight. She suckled on his neck, leaving a nice purple bruise for anyone and everyone to see, she was marking him her own. _

"_Fuck Liv." He groaned as he edge closer to his climax. _

_She said nothing, words would ruin the moment so she continued to focus on the feeling of his hands on her naked body, his instrument inside of her, his lips on her. _

_As she edged she grasped his shoulders and dug her nails in before biting down hard on the area his neck met his shoulders. That sent him over the edge and he gripped her hard guaranteeing five finger print bruises on her shoulders the next morning but the marks on her thighs and the soreness between her legs would probably be worse. _

_He collapsed on top of her and she held him tight as their breathing began to normalise. _

"_I'm sorry I was such an ass Liv." He whispered and Olivia could sense that he was near tears. _

"_You have nothing to be sorry about El." She told him softly as she ran her hand through his hair. _

"_I couldn't lose you Liv, it would kill me." He whispered and she sighed softly. _

"_And what do you think losing you would do to me huh El? You think it would be a walk in the park for me too?" She asked angrily. _

"_No Liv, of course not but … but I love you Liv don't you get it?" He asked turning so he could look into her deep brown eyes as she registered what he'd just said. _

"_And you think I don't love you?" She asked in disbelief. "Elliot, I've been in love with you since … since God knows when, I could never be the one to cause your death because without you … without you there's no me." She explained as the tears trickled down her cheeks. _

_Elliot cupped her cheek gently and stroked his thumb across the tears. _

"_Don't cry Liv." He whispered before placing his lips on hers. "It hurts me to see you cry."_

"_I'm sorry." Olivia replied trying to wipe the other cheek. "I need to go." She said. _

"_No." He replied. "You're not running from us Liv, please give me a chance?" He asked as she crawled from beneath him and began to pull her clothes off. _

"_El you're my partner… for better or worse… please don't make this harder than it has to be." She pleaded softly. _

"_So what this just happened you confess you love me obviously as much as I love you but you're going to walk out of here like nothing happened?" Elliot asked trying to mask the anger he felt but failing miserably. _

"_You're married…"_

"_Separated in the middle of a divorce." He informed her._

"_Still married." Olivia pointed out. "Ok? I love you El I really do but … but being with you isn't possible." She leant forward and gave him one long hesitant kiss before turning on her heels and walking out, not just on Elliot but her job at the one six too._

So there you have it. The first sexual encounter between myself and Elliot, in the cribs after the toughest case I think either of us ever faced.

**What happened after you left the one six?**

What that night?

**No job wise.**

Oh. I went to computer crimes, ignored Elliot's phone calls and texts at first but he's a … was a persistent son of a bitch. Anyway I got a call from Cragen because Elliot and his new partner got into a fight.

"_I liked that shirt." She said commenting about his now ruined shirt he was in the middle of changing._

"_What are you doing here?" He asked her not liking how she was stood there leaning up against the door frame like nothing had happened between them. _

"_Heard what happened between you and Blaine." She replied honestly. _

"_What can I tell you, he's a prick." Elliot replied closing his locker door. _

_An awkward silence descended on them, neither one of them sure whether to look at each other or not. _

"_Why didn't you tell me?" He asked her once he'd walked to be standing within inches of her causing her breath to hitch in her throat, especially with the fact his shirt was open and his scratch marks from her were clearly visible. _

"_Elliot we've been partners for seven years, longer than anybody else here I just … we needed a change." She explained weakly. "I'm sorry." She added after a few moments silence of them staring into each other's eyes passed. "I should have talked to you… it's just… it's just too complicated."_

_He looked at her for a moment then nodded. _

"_Thanks for dropping by." He said before walking off leaving Olivia to feel her heart break once again._

You know it was tough. I loved him so much even then and he broke my heart so many times, I forgave him every single time, I mean I did my fair share of heart breaking too, I ran when things got tough leaving him to pick up the pieces.

He came by on his case. It was awkward even if he was only there for five minutes, he didn't like seeing me sitting there behind a desk that wasn't the one he was used to seeing me behind.

Anyway, the case kinda fascinated me and I kept following the blog I showed Elliot when he called by. I found some information and I took it over to the one six and I can promise you that he was not pleased to see me there. Not the slightest bit.

The next case SVU brought me was a few weeks later. Elliot even managed to get me to the precinct. He told me SVU was in my blood and he was right. Any awkwardness from us sleeping together was gone… a bit anyway.

I knew then it was time to go back you know? Back to SVU, back to my partner and try and salvage something of a relationship with him.

It didn't last though, because I ran again but this time I ran to Oregon.


	13. Session 12

**REMEMBER: That some of the stuff from the episodes I used will change like Kathy and Elliot do get divorced and she doesn't get pregnant with Eli ok? And I will still be using some of the stuff from the show but I am going to try and get it to work so she talks more about the present tense too! A lot of the content of the show will change in coming chapters, the car crash with Olivia and Kathy will happen but only Olivia will be in the car and the episode with Kathleen and bipolar… it's gonna change LOADS but I hope you like basically what I would have preferred happen haha!**

**Steff oxo**

* * *

_**Session 12**_

So after Oregon I took a couple of days to get my head together before I went over to the one six where I met Dani Beck, my replacement. Elliot was in interrogation and she introduced herself as Elliot's partner and it was like a kick in the gut. I went to Cragen's office and he was telling me that it would take a while before he could shift Dani out and I was watching Elliot with her through the window and he seemed as close to her as he was to me and I stung. So I told Cragen I wasn't ready to come back, I told him that's what I had gone there to say. Then I slipped out the side door and Cragen commented on the fact that I was about to leave without seeing Elliot. I made my excuses, I really couldn't face him.

He kissed Dani. While they were partners. I won't deny that when I first found out I was jealous… furious. But technically he was single so I had no right to say anything. Even now, thinking back I feel so… so angry that he kissed her, even if I have no right too. We weren't together all we'd done was have sex and I had no right to.

The first case I worked when I got my job back the victim's name was Danielle. Elliot called her Dani a few times, it really was like I was being hit in the face.

Anyway, there was a woman, she had to have Danielle's killers liver or kidney or something. When the case was over I realised I didn't even know Elliot's blood type so I pointed it out to him. He's A Positive just like me. He told me he'd give me a kidney. I told him not if I gave him mine first.

We were back to normal then. Benson and Stabler were back but of course it wasn't to last.

Of course it wasn't to last.

Judson Tierney, was a dying man who wanted to confess all his sins before he went. Elliot took me to the centre he was at and I stayed there getting information out of him while Elliot did all the searching till we solved the crimes he'd committed. It turned out someone was in prison charged with a murder that Tierney had done. He wouldn't die until he knew that the other guy was out of prison. I stayed by his side until he went. Elliot showed up minutes later with the daughter and I left them to it.

Once out of the centre I had a bit of a cry. Some may say I got as attached to Tierney as a surrogate father in the same way he had me a daughter. Huang told Elliot that I was behaving in the way Tierney pictured his daughter should and I'm guessing that maybe I was trying to feel that, I mean I never had been in a situation like that not even with my Mom who died suddenly.

Once we got to my apartment block Elliot and I just sat in the car.

"_You ok?" Elliot asked Olivia, he knew the past few hours had been tough on her. _

"_Yeah." She replied weakly as she took her belt off. "Thanks for the ride." As she went to open the car door Elliot stopped her by taking a hold of her hand. _

"_Liv…"_

"_I'm ok El." She said turning to look at him. _

"_It's ok if you're not." He said softly stroking his thumb over her hand. "Really."_

"_Do you want to come up for coffee?" She suggested deciding that she didn't want to talk about this in the car. _

"_Sure." He smiled. _

I should have known asking him for coffee was a bad idea really, I was asking for trouble the second I invited him up to my apartment.

"**Did you sleep with him that night?"**

Yes. But not before we talked and the best thing was, he didn't go home that night. I woke up with his arms still around me and our relationship would never be the same.

"_You really ok?" Elliot asked as soon as they sat on the couch with their coffees. _

"_No." Olivia replied her eyes filling with tears as she shook her head. _

_Elliot put his own mug down and put Olivia's down before pulling her into his arms. Her cries were silent but her shaking figure was all the signal he needed that she was sobbing. _

"_It's ok Liv." He said as he stroked her hair. _

_He held her for twenty minutes till she pulled away and wiped her tear stained cheeks. _

"_Sorry." She sniffed._

"_It's ok to be upset Liv, you stayed by his bed till he took his last breath." Elliot said cupping her cheek and wiping the tears from her cheek with his thumb._

"_I didn't think I'd let him in that much El but after he asked me to stay once we got Mike out of prison I sat down and I held his hand and promised I wasn't going anywhere." Olivia explained. "He was a murderer and kidnapper but I cared for him, the hours I spent with him… I let him in El." Olivia sighed softly. _

"_It happens Liv." Elliot told her softly._

"_Yeah well enough about me how are things with Kathy?" Olivia finally asked the questioned he'd been avoiding since she got back._

"_We're divorcing Liv, its happening just have all the custody crap to deal with." Elliot tried to brush it off but Olivia could see it was affecting him more than he was letting on. _

"_Ok. But you're a great father El, anyone would be mad not to see that." She said taking his hand. _

"_Liv…" he said softly. "Why did you leave?"_

"_I had to El." She said. "Please let's not talk about it now."_

"_Then when?" He snapped making her jump. "Sorry."_

"_It's ok. I understand why you're angry with me for leaving El but I had to ok? I know that it's difficult for you to understand but what happened with Gitano and with us… I just had to."_

"_Olivia…" He shifted closer to her. "When I said to you that I loved you I wasn't lying. I am madly in love with you."_

"_El…" She whispered. _

"_Are you going to tell me you didn't mean it when you said you loved me?" He asked in complete disbelief. _

"_No." She replied shaking her head. "But we can't happen El." She said. "Our jobs, your family… too many people would get hurt including us."_

"_I love you Olivia I could never hurt you…"_

"_I know." She interrupted. "But I'm scared I'll hurt you."_

_He pressed his lips to her before she could say anymore. He snaked his arms around her and she did the same back not wanting to let go for anything. When they finally broke for air he pressed his forehead against hers. _

"_You could never hurt me Liv, but, it's a risk I'm willing to take to be with you… while you were gone… I was so lost without you Liv… so lost. I need you in my life, I need all of you." He explained tearfully. _

"_El." She whispered cupping her hand on his cheek making him look her right in the eye. _

"_I need all of you too." She whispered and he crashed his lips hungrily to hers once again. _

So there you have it, the start of our relationship. It was passionate, dramatic… but what else could you expect from me and El.

I still remember him saying he needed me and I told him I needed him too. I still need him. Every day my pregnancy develops, I have new symptoms, I feel the baby move and… and I realise just how much that need hasn't shifted at all.

I have a new partner at work now, his name's Nick and he and I get on quite well considering. I am touchy with him though, I won't let him in and I know he's frustrated by it but I think he tries to be understanding.

I still remember back to the start of my relationship with Elliot and wonder what would have happened had we not got together that night, but of course we did and we were happy.

Of course this is real life and not a fairy tale.

The next two weeks were perfect. We went to work, he came back to mine and we'd have wild passionate sex and then we'd go to sleep and the cycle started again. We talked about everything during those weeks, my leaving, his divorce, everything that happened with Gitano and it was perfect except that no one knew about us.

We'd been together about four weeks when we started working this case where a husband apparently rapped his wife. I believed the victim and Elliot wasn't so sure. The couple were going through a custody battle and the more information we found out the more Elliot believed the husband.

"_You don't bate a judge!" Elliot said as they left the court house. _

"_Valarie Senate was raped end of story." Olivia replied. _

"_You seem awfully convinced of that." Elliot snapped. _

"_And I think your current situation is colouring your judgment…"_

"_My current situation?"_

"_Well you don't normally empathise with the suspect." Olivia hissed. _

"_It's not empathy! It's outrage! The guy never touched his wife…"_

"_Until last night Elliot, you saw the bruises." Olivia replied. _

"_That doesn't prove rape!" Elliot snapped. _

"_Is that your gut talking?" Olivia replied staring at him over the roof of the car. _

"_Miles Senate never abused his wife or his daughter but he gets punished for it anyway?" Elliot questioned. "How is that right?"_

_Olivia didn't have an answer for that. _

It was the first time we had a personal argument at work since we'd been together and it shook me.

Later on during the investigation her turned around and told me "I'm the longest relationship you've ever had with a man." He meant it in the partner sense I knew that but it still stung like a bitch because he was right, eight years at special victims with Elliot he was the longest relationship I had with any man.

"_When did you start working for the defence?" Casey asked after Elliot mad a point about the victim being inaccurate. _

"_The moment you were more interested in an easy close than the truth." Elliot replied simply. _

"_My only interest is being an advocate for rape victims, now I thought it's what we do here." Casey hissed the anger etched on her face. _

"_Mhm." Elliot shrugged. _

"_It's what we all do." Don replied hoping to stop this situation getting out of hand. "Olivia can re-interview the victim while you dig discreetly into her background." Don said. "Make sure there are no surprises."_

"_So now we're putting victims on trial." Olivia sighed angrily. "Good to know." She added sarcastically. _

"_Well a statement with this many red flags no good cop would over look it." Elliot replied. _

"_Especially not one with a dying marriage and a history of violence." Olivia snapped. _

I was out of line in saying that but I was angry, we've always been there for the victims and all of a sudden Elliot was jumping on the bandwagon of the suspect and I didn't like it.

Now, now he's gone I wish often that I could take away all the horrible things I ever said to him. I know it's stupid to dwell on the bad things but… but the longer it's been since he's gone the harder it is to remember just the good times. There were a lot more good times than there were bad especially in the coming months from this situation but … I do remember them all but not as much as I remember the bad and it kills me… sorry I don't mean to cry… let me get back on track.

After that conversation Kathy called me. How awkward that was, I thought but when she asked me to meet her in central park I couldn't say no, I needed to know what she wanted from me.

"**And what did she want from you?"**

For me to convince El to sign the papers already.

"**And did you?"**

Yes. Not after making sure it was what he wanted though, it made me feel like he didn't want to be with me because he hadn't signed the papers to divorce his wife you know? I felt like I was used or second best and that wasn't ok with me.

I thought point proven we couldn't be together and when he took me home that night I told him we should end it before it went too far but he said we'd already gone too far.

He came in and we talked about what had happened and what we'd argued about and he told me just how scared he was about losing his kids and I held him while he cried about it and then we went to bed.

Things could have been ended right there and then but he was a stubborn son of a bitch.

"**What happened with the case?"**

He killed her. Set her on fire and she lived for a couple of days before dying. The next day after I saw Kathy we were a little bit back to normal. He felt guilty because he hadn't thought the guy would escalate that far but I told him we were both in that room and we both heard him say he wanted to kill his wife.

I got to shoot with plastic bullets for the first time. Kick from the gun's exactly the same did you know that? I liked being able fire my gun without killing, it was… I don't know it was different to say the least I'd always been fearful of firing my gun knowing that I could cause someone's death with just a pull of the trigger, but when it came to firing plastic bullet's I didn't think twice in firing three shots.

Anyway we went to visit the wife in the burn unit when we left Elliot told me he had something he needed to do. He went to deliver the divorce papers. I went back to the office and found out that our victim wasn't a victim at first, she wasn't raped.

I was upset that she was dying and still lied to me, I went over to his and he told me he'd signed the papers, he was really getting divorced and I asked him if we were ok.

He told me he just needed space to disagree with me so he didn't feel it would cost us our partnership.

I had him take me for breakfast and it was the start of moving forward for us.

Things were great from there, at work we were Benson and Stabler and at home we were Liv and El and it was perfect near enough.

Around six weeks later though he almost gave me a heart attack when he was thrown through the interrogation room window by a guy high on PCP. Scared the living daylights out of me though I had the pleasure of tazering the bastard even if it didn't keep him down.

I was shit scared but once I was in the ambulance I was able to show him that. Tell him I was there, kiss his head, really be the scared girlfriend I couldn't be when he was first strapped to the gurney.

Don came to get me from the hospital because we had a case and Elliot was going to be on the desk for the next few weeks, once I could I promised him I'd make it up to him when he got home. That kept him happy enough to agree to being on the desk.

It was a bit strange working without Elliot again but he was on bed rest at my apartment… which meant I got to go home to him which was nice and it was fresh you know being able to go home and say 'honey I'm home' for the first time.

Of course I ended up in the hospital the next day so it's not like it makes much difference.

"**Why were you in the hospital?"**

Breathing in some dangerous chemicals in some rat hole apartment block, a kid got cancer from the stuff, it was horrible. It caused our oxygen levels to drop so I had to be on oxygen for a long time and it also dropped some levels of something in our blood and I had to stay in overnight and for once I didn't argue.

Next day I went straight into work, in my scrubs not thinking about Elliot. When I got home Elliot was furious, no one had told him that I was in the hospital and when hazmat confiscated my clothes they took my phone.

Elliot came into work. Someone had been filling him in on the case and he was really supportive that I was not giving up on the case. Bless him.

So that really is pretty much the start of a very complicated personal relationship between Elliot and I. It wasn't ever perfect but now… now it's all gone I wouldn't have asked for it any differently you know?

"**So that's it?" **

Of course not. That was just the beginning.

Work was work and home was home. We managed to keep the two completely separate. We stayed with each other at night as much as we could and at work we remained professional and unattached as possible… at this point we hadn't even kissed in the car or touched each other anywhere on the job we were Benson and Stabler the whole time.

It wasn't until Elliot almost lost his job that I probably went too far and almost gave something away.

He was accused of murdering a suspect after giving the kid a chase and having to fight him to the ground.

I wasn't about to let Elliot's career get thrown away, there was no way he killed anyone and I don't know if it was my duty as a partner or my duty as a girlfriend but I made sure that I fought everyone who dared think he was guilty.

Melinda proved his innocence thank God. But after the whole thing Elliot paid Kathy a visit.

"**Why did he visit Kathy?"**

He wanted to come to an amicable agreement about the kids. The whole thing… almost losing his job, almost going to prison… he just wanted his family back or his kids anyway.

She agreed to give him a decent custody agreement and that's why now I live with Elliot's kids two weeks out of every month, I promised Kathy I would keep Elliot's custody agreement and I have been doing. I mean the kids love it and now that I'm finally back at our apartment, where we belong… I think it makes us all feel better. They're really supportive with the baby too, they can't wait to have another little brother or sister… I know the sex now… I haven't told anyone else though, not Kathy or the kids, she's great too surprisingly.

Kathy and I were always civil after the divorce, when she found out we were together and I will get to how she found out she was a little dry but then I don't know how or when but she warmed to the idea and when Elliot died she was the one who wanted me to stay in her life and the kids life and … and I'm really glad she wanted that because otherwise I don't think I would have fought her on it if she said I was to have no contact with the kids.

I really think having them and Kathy around me as well as Don, Fin and Munch has made this whole thing a little easier, sure I cry every day, especially when I'm alone in our bed at night but then… then I get on with my life and I'm in the process of really trying to live, I know Elliot would have wanted me to live really live my life for him and for our baby.


End file.
